Peace is Every Step

Remember About October

2011-11-11T05:05:00.000-06:00

I've been woken up early today by a doula call, a happy call, a little girl born healthy and happy. A doula bubbling with the kind of joy only a birth will bring.

I couldn't get my mind to settle back to sleep, despite the cuddly toddler beside me and further unsettled due to a not-so-cuddly 9 year old curled in a ball at my feet (trying to be inconspicuous about coming in my bed in the middle of the night).

So instead, I sit at the computer. Checking work email. Responding to work email. Wondering if I can change the time settlings on my email so I can disguise the fact that I'm working on a holiday before sunrise. It's barely 5am. When did I become this person?

Trying to stop the ruminating, I decide to upload the pictures off my camera so I'll have some fresh ones to look at while I'm away for work next week. As I sift through the pictures of my family life, the other stuff that's living in my head releases. LOOK at these beautiful people, this nice life we live. There is so much, all at once, that it's hard to grasp how absolutely miraculous the simple things are.

Such as a boy learning to talk and express himself and anything exciting by exclaiming "AWESOME!" and labeling things he thinks are cool as "AWESOME" in noun form [Aidan's toy car's name="awesome"--"Brother, I plaaaaaay with Awesome?"; Shawn's grout job in the kitchen-awesome--"Mom, Meemo go see Awesome?". You get the point.]

Such as a 9 year old being able to let his Mom know he needs more of my time, time to just be. In turn, letting me know what I need too. He asked me if I could just lay with him and listen every night. His first question? "Mom, remember when I was your special little boy?". My heart. These talks have been amazing. And I usually don't say much. Other times we just cuddle.

Such as a little girl wiggling with joy at her Mom joining her class for a day and hardly being able to contain herself. Any moment of my time focused on her is greeted with such joy and love it really god smacks me every time. I laid with her in her bed a few nights ago and read her a book, just the two of us and she acted like I flew her to Paris.

These are the things to focus on, to draw on when other things are outside of my control. There isn't really a point in feeling bad about what was. Now is more important. Moving forward from there.

Do Over

2011-10-15T23:43:00.005-05:00

Life lately has me doing some soul-searching, tough question-asking, work. Not "work" work, but life work.

On my walk tonight I asked myself, as I do when moments like these pop up in life, what would I say to someone, sitting beside me, if today were my last day? What would I want a do-over for?

Well, here goes:

More time seeing and less time shoo-ing. By seeing I mean really seeing my loves in life, like stop everything, look into the eyes and delight-in-them seeing.

Less work in my head when work hours are over.

More time fully engaged in life and less time checking out from it.

Contentment with what is and not searching for the next step.

Less criticism and more acceptance.

Gratitude dripping off every experience.

Making more time for play, art, fun.

More love and surrendering. Less control and worry.

Less seperation from the heart of the work I do and I love so dearly.

I think these things were more apparent when my professional life found me in the homes of families with serious hard stuff, most with generations and generations of hard stuff. I'd come home and be totally in the present, grateful for the simple ease of my family life. I could easily look at my children and see how lucky we are.

Now, being a bit more seperated from the direct work, it's been harder for me to get out of my reactive, more auto-pilot way of being. My mind is distracted, occupied. I have to really focus on being present and letting what feels so important in the moment go, so I can be with what really is important--this sweet family of mine.

It's not too late for a do-over. Every day is just that, right? I get caught up in wanting to be the bestest and get stuck. I'm determined to not have such a long list in the end...maybe just "eat more vegetables" or "exercise more"...none of this really important stuff of regrets.

It's a lifelong thing, I know. This learning. This loving. This living a good life. I intend to be open to it.

Introducing Rumi, the new Love Dog

2011-10-02T17:00:00.003-05:00

After the loss of both our beloved Collie, Riff, and our Lab, Bill (both within 5 months of eachother), our house seemed so empty without a furry friend to follow us around. I felt a bit guilty for thinking puppy thoughts almost immediately after the loss of Bill. I soon realized that a little peice of him was leaving every day for the past few years and along with it, a little bit of me was grieving along with it. I also started to see that opening up to love a pup didn't really mean I didn't still love the Ralph.

We found ourselves (Shawn and I) searching out puppies in secret. We both stumbled upon what my friend Laura calls "puppy porn" (because its so freaking adorable, you can't stop looking at more and more pictures) website http://www.puppyfinder.com/ and fell in love with a little tri-colored collie pup just recently weaned. About the same time, I came across this You Tube video of Coleman Banks reading of "Love Dogs" by Rumi, one of my favorite poets (see below). That had to be our next pup's name.

We picked up the kids from school and told them we were going to a friend of mine's farm. Her name was Rumi. They hopped in and didn't ask a single question. This drove me insane and put Shawn on edge. He almost blew it.

When we were about 20 minutes away on our hour long drive, I ask them if they had any questions about my friend Rumi. They asked about the farm, animals on the farm, when will we be there.....I said I haven't actually met Rumi. Aidan looks puzzled, then says, "oh, so she's like a facebook person?"

I tell them that I've never talked with her either, but that I'm sure we'll all love her. Especially since she'll be living with us. Then the momentum picks up. Nevie asks, "What?!? For how long?" I tell her a long time and that she might sleep with her. Aidan prys for more specifics. I tell them she'll live with us for the next 15 to 20 years. Bingo. He gets it. "Rumi is a DOG! Are we getting a PUPPY?!?" (said in his squeeky, excited voice). Screams all around! Shawn cries. Typical.

We get to the farm in Floodwood. Puppies are everywhere. Shawn and I pretty much lose our minds and can't hold adult conversations with the owners. Her mama, Dolce, is a petite, mild mannered sweetie. Her Papa is a bounding, HUGE, friendly wild man. Her siblings are adorable. And everywhere. We are swept up by puppy cuteness right from the start. We attempt to put her in the back for the ride home. She quickly slips inbetween the dog barrier and ends up crawling all over the kids laps, admist their giggling, smiling little bodies and settles on Aidan's lap. She pukes 3 times all over him. Aidan still can't stop smiling and is more concerned with her tummy than the fact he has slimy puke all over him.

We spend the next few days soaking her up. Shawn and I are like little kids, up at 5am, not because she's whining (she's not), but because we want to play with her. We over do it and bring her everywhere. Her 8 week old little body passes out at football games, the park, and the beach. If I could nurse her I probably would.

Although my heart still hurts that my Bill is gone, it's wide open for this little furry soul. Welcome home, little Rumi. I know you'll spread just as much love as your namesake.

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. The child weaned from mother’s milk now drinks wine and honey mixed. The Creator’s joy moves from unmarked box to unmarked box, from cell to cell. As rainwater, down into flower bed. As roses, up from the ground. Now it looks like a plate of fish and rice, now a cliff covered with vines, now a horse being saddled. It hides within these, till one day it cracks them open.” ~Rumi~

"Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.
There are love dogs no one knows the names of.
Give your life to be one of them." ~Rumi~

Goodbye Bill

2011-09-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

This week we said goodbye to our old friend Bill. It’s hard to think of the words to express what it’s like to lose a fellow traveler in this life. Bill was a constant companion for me since I was 19 years old. We’ve been through it all together.

As a family we’ve been sharing our favorite Bill memories over the past few days. I’ve taken the kids to our favorite hiking spots in Chester, where Bill spend his youth, and told stories along the way. Here are some of the moments we want to remember:

• Bill showed up on a farm when he was just a pup, trailing behind a group of mutt Basset Hound/Cocker Spaniel pups (they looked as weird as they sound). He had to fight for his food on this farm and thus, developed a dislike (or some might say…deep rooted-hatred and angst) for any dog bigger than him. Even as a pup he would grow and attack anything bigger than him.

• Rufus, the Baker dog, a scruffy (and scrappy) terrier dog, dominated Bill from the very moment they met. This was the one and only dog we ever came across that did.

• If you said Bill’s name loudly or with any sort of anxiety in your voice, Bill would climb on top of you and howl, as if to say, “I’m right here!!! Don’t you see me?!?!”

• One day, when we lived in the green & pink house, we came home to find Bill standing on top of the kitchen table. We have no idea how he got there.

• He was the fastest puppy I’ve ever seen. For a while, we thought he was part greyhound. His little butt would tuck under and he would run crazy circles in our tiny yard.

• He leapt through Lake Superior waves like a deer in his youth.

• If I told him to do something, he would try his best out of loyalty. One time, as a joke I directed him to climb up a tree that had fallen (but was still at an angle very high up) and he went up so high that I stood under him with arms outstretched, feeling like a big jerk.

• He was my hiking companion until the arthritis got the best of him. We would hike for hours. He would run ahead, then stop and wait for me, smiling with love the entire time. We’d always stop for a bit and check out the views together, not needing to say a word.

• We’re pretty convinced that Bill and Riff thought Aidan was a baby squirrel when we brought him home from the hospital.

• Bill sat beside the crab apple tree, in a ray of sunshine, looking in on me in the living room while Nevie was making her way into the world. Every time I looked up and out the window, there he was, smiling at me, encouraging me with his big brown eyes. I felt his love so strong that day.

• Bill sat beside the birth tub, with his chin on the edge while Liam made his way into the world. Again he was smiling, this time with a bit more white around his eyes and mouth, and had a calm and loving presence that helped me through. After Liam was born and we were cozy on the mattress on the floor, Bill shared our take-out and nestled his head in my lap.

• Sometimes his lips would get folded under and he would look like he had no teeth. I liked to tell him to go get his dentures in.

• He had many songs written in his honor by his family. Most included his nicknames: Bill E. Ruben, Rubenator, Rubenaaahhhhtor (emphasis on a different syllahhhhhble), Ralph, Ralphie, Ralphie Rubenator, Bill-Bill.

• Sometimes his ears would flip up and stand straight up. Aidan and Nevie would say (in old man voice) “What?!?!? I can’t hear ya!”

• Bill would put his cute dog chin on the couch and ask permission to come up every day of his life. He would need both verbal permission and a pat on the couch to commence.

• Bill always needed to be by his people. If we were outside for one second, he was outside for one second. Even though his old bones hurt badly, he would walk up the stairs to be by everyone.

• He was the king of cozy spots. He loved cuddling with Nevie in her bed and would take up the entire length, leaving her with an inch of space and no covers.

Nevie wrote a song for Bill and Riff. Her spelling is adorable, but I will put the words in parentheses for easy reading:

Sun Risne (Rising)
Sun Rise, the Moon is up, the Moon is hie (high) and Risne (rising).
The Moon is hie (high) in the Sky.
The Moon sase (says) to the Sun, You are the best frind (friend) avre (ever).
OO that is so nise (nice), The Sun says you are tooooo.
I Love the Darknes, I Love the Litnis (Lightness).

Nevie says Bill is the sun and Riff is the moon. She says its okay to love the dark and the light.

I feel a sense of peace at his loss. I knew he had a good life, was well loved and that it was time to say goodbye. I didn’t have a hard cry until a few days after he was gone. I cried alone in the dark while nursing Liam for several nights, when I finally slowed down to think of my little pup and the journey we have been on together. I feel grateful to have had such a good friend, a fellow traveler, who thought I was extraordinary. This is a rare thing in life. I just hope he knew I thought the same of him.

Goodbye old friend.

No fuss, unspectacular post

2011-09-18T19:25:00.004-05:00

I've been avoiding posting because I don't have the time to make it spectacular. Meanwhile, life is flying by, kids are being cute and I'm missing writing it down. Quick! To the cuteness!

Liam is a bike riding crazy man. No training wheels! He flies on his 'hot walk' and puts his feet up on the side. People literally stop their cars and gawk. And take pictures. He wears a pink bunny helmet--this confuses elementary children who can't understand why a boy would wear this (and why he doesn't use training wheels--he rocks their world at recess). We can now go on family bike rides for miles, although I have several heart attacks along the way.

Liam introduces himself as "Meemo", even though he can say his name perfectly well. He refers to himself in the 3rd person and I love it. "Come cuddle Meemo"; "Meemo do it"; "Meemo miss Mama"; "No work, stay home Meemo"; "Meemo sleep Mama".

Liam calls coffee "wapee". I make him say it a lot.

Nevie has gone from dressing in all girly clothes to wearing her brothers nasty old, too-big gym shoes (with neon green laces) from last year and an 80's-looking (not in a cool way) Nike coat that we found in our garage. From behind she looks like she should be smoking cigs in the alley behind the school with the lunch ladies. I'm being good at not saying that out loud and not over-explaining her new digs to her teachers. I'm expecting to find some donations in her backpack soon.

Aidan has taken a new kid, Zach, under his wing. For a week he was convinced he was "previously homeschooled" for no good reason (because he found out he lives a block away and that was the only logical explanation for him not knowing him and he was shy, which Aidan thinks a homeschooled boy would be be, despite knowing several outgoing homeschoolers) but has since found out that he comes from the exotic "Hidden Valley, the place where ranch dressing is made". Aidan would come bounding home with stories of virtue as he helped Zach become more and more comfortable with talking to people. I would find him smiling to himself (very broadly) looking out into space, and then his eyes would light up and he would tell me how he helped him. One day out of the blue he looks at me and says "You know Mom, you're right. You can really change someone's life just by being kind. But I think I feel better than him." Awwwwww. I can't remember saying that, but yay me :).

Peace out, no fuss post.

Big Mama D

Baby is a Two Year Old

2011-07-26T09:55:00.001-05:00

Liam

Neve is SIX!

2011-07-10T09:53:00.003-05:00

We had a dancing party for your 6th birthday. You and your brother worked hard on the decorations--you wanted pots of "Nevie Flowers" with candy for eating and jars of real flowers for smelling. You requested peanut butter and jelly, fruit salad, lemonade and a butterfly cake. Check-check-check-and check.

We had your party at the Cooper Community Garden after your parents procrastinated too long in getting a pavilion at the shady Billings Park. It was 95 degrees out and the garden is made for growing. This meant NO shade. We did many dances in and out of the shade strip. Dan got everyone emergency freezies. Your Auntie wore jeans. Eventually we were dumping water and each other.

My friend Laura played the fiddle, her husband Jeff the banjo and her father Terrence led the dances and played guitar. Even her mom chimed in on the flute. Baby Jonah plucked a few strings too here and there.

Your favorite dance is "Bluebird, Bluebird" and you liked to pretend you were a flamingo. We had fun watching Chad dance like a ballerina during "Ponchanella". I think all our faces hurt from smiling so much at the end of the day.

Both sets of Grandparents (except Gpa Beef) and lots of friends came to your party. Even though everyone was hot, everyone danced and lots of your friends sang with the fiddles and banjos. Ellie, Maggie and Marisa sang "Happy Birthday" to you in Portugese. Mrs. Thelke would be proud.

We decided not to light candles, but instead made our best 'jazz hands' because your cake was melting away. We sang and you held your hands up to your mouth, smiling at us with your twinkly blue eyes.

Michelle, Zoe and Mauren made you a butterfly piniata and it was almost too beautiful to break open. Everyone had their turns and made a mad dash for the treats. Ellie made you butterly queen and attached the butterfly wings to you at the end of the game.

You wore your special birthday dress and flower headband. I was happy that it was a size 5 because maybe it meant you weren't growing up as fast as you really are. Sometimes it aches to think about how much later it is than it feels when you're not taking a step back to think about it.

My girl, I love you as big as the sky and my heart bursts with joy every time your big blue eyes sparkle. Happy 6th Birthday, Nvea Avenelle.

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Magical Dagical Nine

2011-06-07T19:26:00.003-05:00

Nine magical dagical years ago I became a Mom and you became a you. Each day you help create the story of our family. Sometimes Author. Sometimes Illustrator. Sometimes Critic. Always magical. Keep those stories coming....like a good book, I never want it to end.

Love you, Mr. Bazoo.

Sewing Lessons

2011-05-31T18:00:00.004-05:00

Stuff I learned during a recent sewing experience with my kids (inspired by lovely Muskadee):

Five year olds create wonderful images in their head.

My sewing capabilities do not measure up to these images.

This is cause for extreme crazy five year old fits.

Sometimes I lose it.

Additionally:

I'm incapable of making manly bags for rock collecting and eight year olds don't notice.

Eight year old boys don't really care about their image.

Maybe other eight year old boys on the playground do.

Sometimes I need to let him have his own experiences, even if it means he might get hurt.

Meanwhile, I'll try to remember these to love and learn (and learn some more):

She's finding her way in her own way, not mine.

I feel better when I let go and try not to resist.

She needs a calm presence who won't rush her through it.

It's not the end of the world if I lose my own way. As long as I recognize it and make a point of choosing something different next time.

It is good to safely get out raw, uncensored, powerful emotions and know you will still be loved.

I won't crush his excitement by planting worry over "what might people think", especially when I don't agree with those "thoughts".

I will be a safe spot to land.

All this in one rainy afternoon, trying to re-create the peace I remembered in listening to the hum of my own Mom's sewing machine. Looks like I needed a little sewing lesson.

Mother's Day in Pictures Because Kids Make You Lazy By Just Looking At Them

2011-05-08T18:52:00.000-05:00

I love my big dorky children. Peace out.

One Light, One Sun

2011-05-06T18:16:00.000-05:00

Recently I had a moment where my heart when leaping outside of my body. First it lept up on stage, encircled tiny hands holding onto a microphone for dear life, then bounced around the gym, swirled around the room and lept back in my chest, making me feel like I could explode with love for all 200+ people in the room. In fact, anytime I made eye contact with anyone, I would put my hands to my heart and they would nod back at me with understanding.

What could cause such a heart explosion than one little voice, filling up the elementary gym. A little tiny five year old voice captivating every single man, woman and child in earshot.

Little Nevie has found her voice and has found an outlet to let everyone see her heart: her beautiful singing voice. She sang 'One Light, One Sun' with a smile as big as the sun and with all her might in front of hundreds of people and students at her Spring concert.

If you've known the vulnerable places we've been alongside her in her short five years, you would be with me, with your heart walking outside your body, until the song is sung and your body is clapping without your knowlege, and you're transporting yourself onto the stage to give her the biggest hug you can muster up.

My heart could burst. Right up there with the birth of each child as one of the best moments of my life.

p.s. I've tried a million-and-one ways to post this video, with no luck whatsoever. Any tips?

Belated post about welcoming spring and such...

2011-05-03T19:25:00.005-05:00

This year we stayed home for Easter. Typically we head down to our hometowns and have a lovely visit filled with cousins and eggs and Grandparents and candy. This year we stayed home due to depressed geriatric d0g on with his own pharmacy and this creeping desire I have to start our own home rituals and traditions. Now, Grandma-mas and Grandpa-pas, no worries, we will still visit your shores on a regular basis......so don't freak out.

I had a moment of emotion quite similar to a postpartum love fest for a new baby while I was in Michaels craft store preparing for our day together. I was walking the halls and crossing things off my list, making some plans in my head for crafts that we will do and the meaning behind them, thinking about how we can work in all of the traditions surrounding this time of year (Christian, Jewish, Earth traditions...) and it came in a rush to me: I am the Mother. I have never planned a holiday at home before. Ever. Whoosh. I am crying with love for my babies in Michaels craft store as I gather up modeling clay to make our own nests.

There is something special about staying in your own space, planning a day of togetherness and fun (in our world right now this means crafting), and cooking your own food together without the stress of traveling with kids. It made me feel like a good Mom. Honestly, I haven't felt all that successful with my overall mothering for a stretch. I needed this-we all did.

So, what did we do on this lovely day? We made a cool nest from this 'modeling magic' stuff that we stuck sticks and other things we think birds would find cozy and created a nest [while talking about the changing seasons and preparations the earth and animals are making for spring, as well as the Goddess Eostre...now stay with me...I hope I didn't lose you there :)]. We made cool egg stands out of recyled toilet paper rolls and felt [to talk about caring for the Earth, Earth Day AND to decorate our dinner table]. We, or I, blew out eggs so we could hang from various places [and I gagged like no other time in my life--causing much entertainment for Liam who literally laughed his boogers out of his face]. We gathered sticks and taped feathers to them in Swedish tradition and hung dyed eggs from ribbons [again, Earth Day and the Goddess Eostre]. We dyed eggs [with Liam going completely insane in the membrane with the dye and me surrendering to the dye ultimately and having a stained boy]. We woke up to an easter basket hunt by the easter bunny [who rhymes and leaves messages on the answering machine--he has a weird Irish/British accent]. We laid on the beach and talked about the Christian beliefs surrounding this time of year. We had intention of going to the Unitarian Church for service, but decided to spend it outside instead, with no guilt attached. We decorated the table fancy with all our creations, lit some candles and ate ham, asparagus and cheesy potatoes. And wine for grownups.We read a book about Passover and talked about Seder [the kids remembered from last year: they didn't like the horseraddish, but unleavened bread was okay]. We went to bed all snug and cozy and full of cupcakes w/flower sprinkles and love.

It was perfect.

Goodbye Old Friend

2011-04-09T14:40:00.007-05:00

You came into our lives when there was only us two. I surprised Shawn by giving him a collar for his birthday, and we excitedly looked at "Teddy" pictures on the very slow internet. You were "Teddy" then, but you were ours since the first time we saw your puppy picture on the Collie rescue site.

We drove and drove and stayed in a cheap motel when we went to get you. We were in for a big shock when we pulled up to the decrepit farm, AKA "Collie and Newfoundland Rescue of Wisconsin". Shawn got mauled by a Newfie puppy (knocked him right down again and again). We should have brought some respirators for the trip inside. The carpet squished with dog pee as we walked. The rescue lady was a tad bit crazy and I remember her without teeth. We couldn't get out fast enough.

We saw your cute puppy self in your cage outside and tried our best to get you to walk towards our car. We soon learned how stubborn you were. Leash walking would be a long process, and any pressure in any form made you sink your paws into the earth. This pretty much continued with anything we tried to get you to do your whole life. Shawn could relate to this, being a stubborn kindred spirit, and you were fast friends.

We named you Riff because of the reference to Riff Randle from Rock n Roll High School. It could've easily been 'Alf' or 'Chewbaka' because of your love of cats and your beautiful singing voice. Looking back, it really should have been Joey, after your father Joey Ramone, who you got your long face and dorky mannerisms. We spent lots of time in the early years hiking around Duluth every chance we could. While your love for your dog brother was immediate, his attachment to you took its time, but once it came, it settled deep into Bill's bones and made him shine with love for your each time you cleaned his ears, chased squirrels together, ganged up on neighboring Border Collies or got treats together from the mail lady.

Soon after Aidan was born, we moved into our own place with a fenced in yard. Your dog world was rocked. You loved the freedom to move beyond the confines of a tie-out and quickly turned into the neighborhood barker--especially notifying everyone far and wide when a skateboarder dared to pass by. And if you could escape, look out all-contraptions-that-move-or-make-noise: you were on the attack, be it vacuum cleaner or four-wheeler or weed wacker. When Aidan got old enough to run around, you loved to nip his heels and diaper butt, and pretty successfully got him to go where you wished.

On the day Nevie was entering into the world, you and your dog brother Bill were both a source of strength and serenity to me. I gazed out onto the lawn inbetween my contractions and saw your smiling faces shining back at me by the crab apple tree, telling me with your eyes that I could do it, and that you were excited to meet the new little one.

Soon after Nevie's arrival, we welcomed Grunty the cat into our busy household. I thought your heart would explode. Nothing could have been more exciting than a kitten in your world. You made out with him (at the time we thought he was a she, not that it matters-you can make out with anyone you want). You chased him. You pinned him down with your paws and licked him. He would bat his paws at you, but never out of fear or contempt. Grunty loved every bit of attention you gave him.

We added yet another little one to the mix. You put your long nose on my lap and I stroked your face minutes after Liam was born. I shared takeout with you and Bill while Liam had his first taste of milk. When Liam started crawling, you were his favorite obstacle to move over. This escalated into Liam attempting to ride you. You were not impressed, but patiently took it or quickly got out of the way.

As time went on, your bones got older, your body was slower, and your days were spent soaking up the sun in the yard. Our lives got busier, and walks became fewer. We told ourselves that it would hurt your bones to walk more. You got more mischievous and made friends with our 80 year old neighbor, who always had time for you. You'd trek over there and dine on bread soaked in whatever animal fat she was cooking with that day, surrounded by pigeons. Doris loved your visits and I'm sure she will be sad to hear you attempted to say goodbye one last time prior to passing on.

We watched your eyes turn a bit more inward. We saw you struggle to walk out the door. Our hearts broke to see you fall over and over, your old hind legs unable to keep yourself up. You looked at us with painful eyes and we knew it was time.

Aidan knew this day would come, but could never really be prepared. The night before, his anger was fierce and his questioning revealing of his pain. "This isn't natural!" he yelled, "God isn't making him die--you are!", and most heart wrenching "If I start hurting and medicine doesn't work, will you kill me? Wouldn't you just hold me and rock me gently? Isn't that what we should do?". All I could do was tell him how hard this was, and that his questions are all ones I struggle with too.

Nevie didn't get the concept yet of death being forever. When we talked about it, she would start randomly singing an unrelated song or smile blankly back at us.

And your Shawn. How his heart broke in two when he knew this was your last day. I stayed strong and didn't let myself think about it too deeply, knowing I couldn't quite yet, not with everyone looking to me to keep it together. I had passing thoughts of wondering if I've turned cold and unfeeling.

The day we said goodbye, prior to picking the kids up from school, you knew these were your last hours. You hadn't really walked or got yourself up for a few days. But suddenly, you were up and literally breaking through the gate. A dog who couldn't make it across the kitchen floor without falling. You didn't wait for us, just started walking out on your own. You circled the neighborhood, greeting a new neighbor dog, and slowly sauntering to your beloved Doris' house. You lingered here the longest, like you were waiting for Doris poke her head out the kitchen window, to come out and greet you with snacks. It broke my heart that you didn't want to go home. I'll forever wonder what you were trying to say. I followed you and kept my nose behind a camera, taking pictures.

We picked up the kids and petted you, read you poems and told you of our favorite time spent with you. You panted out hot breath and kissed us & your dog brother & your kitten lover. You walked yourself to the car. Shawn said his goodbye and couldn't watch you go. With shallow breaths I stood by your side.

I encircled your head in my arms and buried my head deep into your lion mane and you slipped away quietly, gently. Only after you left did I let my tears come and really feel your loss.

Thank you for so many loving moments filled with your wild barking, your little kisses, your kind eyes and your enormous heart. We love you so much and will miss you dearly.

Random Life Stuff

2011-03-20T12:48:00.005-05:00

Here is a post of 10 random life stuffs because its rainy and I need to fill some time before launching into banana bread making madness...which will be preceded by a trip to the store, which I am dreading because its raining and the little man is insane in the store.

1. I love Liam's little mouth saying words: Bopple (apple), Poople (purple-used for all markers of any color), Sisser/Bra-bra (sister, brother), deer! (for a giraffe), and ROAR! (for anything dark, with teeth or large) among others. He also tells stories, mostly involving him peeing/pooping on the floor and the screams he inspired from his siblings. And of the time a firetruck was across the street (wee-O-wee-O-wee-O!).

2. We randomly place a giraffe in our yard, within view of the windows, so Liam can discover it and yell DEER!

3. Nevie has three new activities started last week: kid yoga, kid's choir, and play therapy. One day I'll muster up enough of my head and heart space to write about the third.

4. Shawn brewed 30 gallons of homebrew yesterday. This works out well with my nightly routine of peanuts and beer in the rocker to close out the night.

5. Aidan chose to do book reports for his fun Sunday activity. For fun. Not for school. He's writing about a stegosaurus. Then he wrote up his dreams last night of climbing a mountain/volcano and reaching the top and seeing turtles. Love him.

6. We go thru a ream of computer paper every few weeks.

7. Riff the Collie is scared of smooth floors. And turning around on them. He often is found "trapped" in the middle of the room, staring at the wall/cupboard. But he can still herd some kids like no ones business. But only on carpet.

8. Yesterday Aidan and I spent 2.5 hours drawing self portraits and Ojibwe inspired art creations.

9. Liam has nursed about 14 times on and off during the making of this random post.

10. Nevie loves to sing and I love to listen. She loves it when I play the guitar or piano. She does not love it when I sing with her--if so, she puts her hand on my mouth. She also does not like it when her brother plays his homemade horn during her singing (made with a curled-up garden hose and funnel). I hope to get her a microphone so she can overpower this enough to not flip out because the homemade horn and little boy playing it makes me want to pee its so cute. We have pictures of us making the horn and it looks like we're having a family beer bong party. I'd post them (because they are so inappropriately hilarious), but I'm afraid of CPS knocking on my door.

The end.

Pee Slurper

2011-03-19T10:03:00.005-05:00

Ahhhhh, little Liam, the stories you will hear when you are grown.

Your newest little habit includes something of a disgusting nature.

Lately you wish to be free from the confines of clothing. We generally let this be a part of our 'here and now' and enjoy seeing your cute little naked cheeks run around the house. There's only one part of this scenario that makes the whole family do a combination of scream, tackle, dry heave and laugh hysterically. You drink your pee.

Yup, drink it. You pee on the floor and lay down on top of it, and slurp it up.

If we try to stop you, you are like a high school wrestler, pinning your pee and sucking the carpet like a bottom feeder sucks the sand.

Why?!?!?! I have no idea. But I do know that from your perspective, we all probably look hysterical as well--running around, making crazy faces and sounds, gagging, some certain 8 year olds climbing over the furniture to get away from the grossness.

But one day, ahhhhhh one day, this will come back at just the right moment--I'm thinking high school graduation party?--and you'll be the one, screaming, tackling, dry heaving and laughing hysterically. I can wait for that.

XOXOXO Mom

Steps in the right direction

2011-03-13T10:00:00.003-05:00

It's time for an exciting financial update! Okay..........so let's think back to a few short years ago, where 'keeping track of expenses' was a goal. Apparently those expenses were on the fast track to bankruptcy as we were charging everything to make ends meet because we had no idea where our money was going. We kept telling ourselves that we needed to do this in order to have one of us home, that it was our sacrifice for our kids. Now we know that a different kind of sacrifice, by maintaining a strict budget, will ensure a financially peaceful future for our kids. Duh.

After unsuccessfully 'tracking expenses' for about a year we felt so stuck. It was like watching a train wreck--seeing our money just disappear in "thin air" (because we weren't telling it where to go). Later in 2008 my cousin Kaylyn starting talking about the Total Money Makeover on her blog. I'm not really easily sold on things, and was even more hesitant about this particular one because of the religious undercurrents of Dave Ramsey (I don't really ever trust things that tote along a god message with it) but for some reason I jumped on the family bandwagon and started learning about "the babysteps". It was extremely simple and seemed doable. We read the book together and made a commitment to really do it as it's recommended. We started getting serious about it in early 2009.

We got our itty bitty emergency fund (which did not seem itty bitty at the time) and started a debt snowball. I found some awesome excel spreadsheets online for the snowball and the allocated budget plan--they were my happy place when I started hating on the budget. To see it all laid out was key for me and kept me going.

Two short years later and I am proud (and a little shocked) to announce we are CREDIT CARD DEBT FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We paid off over $36,000.00 on a modest income in less than 24 months. I am so proud of us. And a bit embarrassed to have THAT MUCH STUPID DEBT.

Along with the amazing financial prospects for our future, another layer of awesomeness is what doing these changes has done for our marriage. It's like learning a new language and type of communication. Before I had no idea where the money went, and put it all on Shawn to figure it out, and plugged my ears and said "la, la, la" when the subject came up. Now we plan together where our money is going each month and can even dream a bit about our future.

We have a bit more to go.......Shawn's student loan and the second mortgage---both will be wiped away this fall. The BIG ONE is my student loan, which I've been advised (by searching like a maniac on Total Money Makeover website and podcasts) to NOT put the maximum amount to and instead pay on an 'income based reduced payment plan' because my Public Health position allows for forgiveness after 10 years.

It feels so amazing and very peaceful to know we will be okay financially. Our kids will not have to work a job they hate in order to pay off student loans---instead they'll choose something in life they love and were meant to do here instead. We won't be stuck with any golden handcuffs because we don't have any retirement savings. Instead we'll work as long as we wish, doing things we love because we want to. Maybe we'll even be able to spend some money on fun stuff in the near future.

It feels weird to write this, like I'm boasting or something. But, eff, it needs to be recognized and maybe someday I'll reference this post and say 'remember when we were such babies at this'?

Woah! Boom-Boom Dada. Ow.

2011-02-21T16:33:00.005-06:00

One tragic evening two weeks ago there was a horrendous accident in our house. Shawn, being the ever busy househusband, was carrying a load of laundry down the stairs, missed a step. Laundry flew everywhere. Shawn, absent grace, fell down multiple stairs, with man arms flailing. Shawn lands on Bill the dog's tail (the biggest tragedy). I yell out are you okay?!?! Poor boy!!(mainly to Bill). Shawn ,on the floor at the end of the stairs, rolls back and forth holding his back and grumbling ow, ow-my back with full-on drama. Bill stumbles away, feelings hurt, but otherwise unscathed.

The youngest child witnessed this event with very wide eyes and a frozen position at the top of the steps. When he could muster up the courage to move (basically when my concern turned into wild laughter at the man and kissing/coddling of the dog with hurt feelings), he gingerly slid to the bottom of the steps, climbed the first step and proceeded with a re-enactment that has been the main feature of our home theatre ever since. It's his attempt to make sense of the world. And possibly reveal to his Dad how ridiculous he was.

It goes like this:

Boom, Dada! (pointing and heading towards stairs)

Woooooooaaaaaaaaahhhh! (gently reenacts a much more graceful fall down the stairs with added drama of a very loud and drawn out woah)

Ow. Ow. Ow. (he lays below the stairs, rolling around and holding his back -OR- to mix it up he walks around the house like an old man, hands clutching his lower back while protruding his chest)

This occurs at random moments, or when there is a reminder of the tragedy by: viewing the stairs, walking by the stairs, hearing the word "back" or "ow", seeing his Dada, seeing laundry, making eye contact with Bill the dog. This is a lot.

It is adorable and a bit disturbing. I hope he works it out. Or not. I rather enjoy it.

From our Fridge to yours...

2011-02-18T09:11:00.004-06:00

As a result of conferences, we had some goal talk at our house. Liam set some goals for his toddler self. I'm especially excited for him to QUIT DRINKING TOILET WATER!

Aidan is going to work on some social skills. He's doing so well academically, a reading/writing/'rithmatic-ing machine...but seems to have self control challenges in the silly department. His teacher thinks it may come from a place of anxiety and attempts to relate with other kids. Okay, so that breaks my heart.

We had a heart-to-heart talk all snuggled up, with lots of tears and lots of I feel......when......talk. He came up with these goals below. I feel like a nerd bringing my recent nurse-family-partnership trainings into my parenting life, but it really worked! I steered away from the "you should do this" and the more directive language and did lots of reflection and motivational interviewing in kid language.

He went from out of control crazy "I'm in trouble" and "its everyone else's fault" crying to talking calmly and coming up with his own solutions. Genius.
And finally, this lovely creative writing gem is on our fridge. It makes me smile although its inappropriate in so many ways..............

Love Day

2011-02-12T20:19:00.003-06:00

"Love's a manner of being present in the world, not a perfect set of circumstances that leads to untold happiness for you, your lover, and your life. You can't control love, and if you try, bad things will happen. Some things are bigger than you and love is one of them".
-excerpt from Inga Muscio's 'Rose: love in violent times'

Ok, so that little clippette above is the work of my world right now...and probably for the rest o'my days. As I sat across from my sidekick today at our grown-up v-day lunch date (we ate Thai food and went antiquing and visited an art galary. hence, we are grown and worldly), my belly full, my world feeling pretty satisfied, I attempted to express this to Shawn. It wasn't nearly as eloquent as Miss Inga.

I think I spent a great deal of time having this lesson glaringly obvious in my life and completely oblivious to it. So much wasted time trying to control and impose my view in my relationship. I could've taken the clue that this was a lesson I need some learnin' on during our honeymoon, when I incessantly zoned in on Shawn's (very newly and thankfully short lived) smoking habit that left him taking spontaneous whistling walks and trips "to the store" nil the new darling bride. So much wasted time in our short tropical love holiday spent on private cigarette investigative work.

But that obviously was an important lesson to learn and I choose to hold gratitude for it rather than regret (Shawn loves when I bring up 'gratitude gratefulness' at trying times...especially his). I'm still learning. But I can mostly say on days when I'm more present minded, I can laugh at his ways and genuinely enjoy his quirks, such as his inability to place objects in the same place twice. He is my lifelong teacher, me his grasshopper. And our parenting clashes being our biggest teachable moments that inspire mammoth mama temper tantrums lately that are pure craziness in the moment but get looked back on with giggles after (mostly).

I am a bit fragmented tonight as I try to whip out this post during the short time I have while Shawn is upstairs doing bedtime and little Liam is randomly nursing and/or pretending to fall down the stairs and/or color the walls with marker. The other thing I wish to add is how very difficult it is to stay present and mindful in this present time of children aged 8, 5 and 18 months + busy work + busy home. But I have never been more satisfied and authentically happy without grasping for that perfect tomorrow in those moments when I can be right there, body, mind and spirit with these little people. I realize its these moments that count, that we truly don't have anything else and that nothing else is guaranteed. With that said, its so easy to lose track of this (like, for instance, right prior to writing this very sentence....girl child who is supposed to be sleeping just came down & my first reaction? Annoyance). But when I can rise above and stay with it, ride the wave, that's life at its finest.

Check out these fabulous felt heart chains the biggies and I made like little factory workers today. We could not stop. If you live near us, you will most likely be receiving one of these lovelies.

Happy Heart Day.

Booby Fever

2011-01-15T18:42:00.004-06:00

I love it when the baby is sick. He's cozy and cuddly and sits still on my lap for more than two seconds. Ahhhh, why can't he be sick more often.....

Yep, baby boy has got the winter sick blues. Yes, he's cuddly and sits still for a while, making his brother happy as can be and proclaiming Fridays as Sick Baby Cuddle Day from this day forth. But this Mama wants her boobs back.

He seriously needs BOTH breast friends out and for the ready ALL DAY for him to gaze at, cuddle with, sip from while pinching the other, and wave goodbye to only to lift up the flap a millisecond later and do it all again, sometimes all at the same time.

I know I could put my foot down, tell him all done milk! or milky went bye-bye! or simple NO MORE MILKY. But how could you to a sickly little baby who is frantically baby-signing milk! milk! milk! so fast that his little fingers are snapping?

There will come a day when he won't cuddle so much, he won't sit still and yes, eventually he won't need so much quality time with the girls. Then it will be fun to look back on this day and remember. But for now I will oblige, become one with the rocker, rock, find my happy place and nurse till the break of dawn.

Fairy Blue

2011-01-14T17:01:00.002-06:00

Yesterday while sitting on the couch Nevie exclaimed that she is sometimes visited at night by a "streak of blue light" that tickles her toes and sometimes goes into her dreams "if it's summer and there is grass". She was reminded of this by watching a fairy movie and said, "hmmmm, maybe that's what that thing is", then was done with it.

This led me to ask a million questions and wish and wish I could go into her tiny self and experience those fun dreams of fairy light, swirling around and tickling her, helping her fall deep asleep. She is not much of a talker (or sharer or explainer) and pretty much spent the next 15 minutes saying "I don't know" and "I don't remember" and so on.

Where her older brother seemed born "knowing things" and has always seemed wiser than his years, this girl seems like this might be her first trip here. She's like a flitting little butterfly, not really aware at any deep level of what is happening around her, immersed in creating her own wind. So hearing about a blue fairy visiting in her dreams was very uncharacteristic, especially having it brought into light for us. But that much sweeter because she doesn't share those parts easily.

I really miss the open book conversations of all things magical and other-worldly with young Aidan. Lately I've noticed that my oldest boy is going thru "the change". No, he's not growing man hairs or anything...but he's reached that "age of reason" as they say. He no longer thinks in that magical way and everything he's interested in right now is very science-y and tangible, "see it and hear it and put my hands on it" type of stuff.

I think he misses it too. He's always asking me to tell him stories about "when he used to talk to spirits" or things he used to say that blew our minds...I can see him try to find that place again, but its fading a bit.

Is this just part of growing up? A necessary Piaget stage of cognitive development? Or is it somehow learned out of us, subtely encouraged to shut down and made to see the world just a bit dimmer?

Maybe so. But in the meantime we'll keep talking about magic, sharing "when you were little and talked to spirits" stories and dreaming of blue fairy lights.

New Year

2011-01-01T09:03:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year! We rang in the New Year introducing the kids to ET (they loved it, as long as we were cuddling them and providing shelter from the scary parts), attempting Goonies (waaaay too scary-I don't remember so many guns and swearing from when I was a kid!) and finishing off the night with Santa Buddies. Nevie dropped off about 10:30, Liam shortly after and Aidan made it until 12:01 AM.

This past year has been filled with a lot of new directions for our family. One that I'm most proud of is the steps we've taken to take control of our finances. In February 2011, we will be credit card debt free! We've paid off a quadrillian dollars worth of debt in just over a year. Yay us! There is much comfort in knowing where our money goes and we are so close to making it work for us, rather than us work for it.

Kiddos have grown emmensely, as they always do each year. Liam has gone from tinsy baby to active toddler in such a short time. Nevie started full time school. Aidan has entered 3rd grade. And in the midst of all this, I got off track for a while on being truly present with my kids in moments I would have previously been. I think its the busy-ness of a family of five and competing demands of children at different developmental levels AND my introverted need for quiet space to feel balanced and recharged. I'm not proud, but I'm grateful for being able to recognize it and take small steps at coming back when I can. These are lifelong lessons.

Shawn and I keep getting better and better. As I get older, I can let go a bit more and let each of us settle into who we are. Big challenge! I still get on him when I think he should be thinking a certain way or feeling a certain thing (especially with the kids), but I'm working on it.

I am mostly content. Which usually means it's time for me to shake things up! And indeed I will, in 2011. Here are some simple things I want to work on:

For me:

-Let go of my agenda more often and be present with the little ones.

-Let go of my need to have intervene and watch people figure things out on their own.

-Do more date nights.

-Play more. This may be included in a date night or two.

-Write.

-Take a lot of pictures and figure out my camera.

-Videotape at least once a month.

-Get outside every day.

For work:

-Delegate more work to our new assistant.

-Decrease my caseload and do more staff support.

-Increase reflective practice individuals and groups at work and beyond.

-Implement Nurse Family Partnership.

-Pursue ways to implement more infant and early childhood mental health in all departments.

-Finalize division-wide lactation support policy for all employees.

For Home:

-Repair house to prepare to SELL!

-Build savings up for downpayment and 3-6 months living expenses.

-Get grownup kitchen supplies. Like forks.

Big Stuff:

-Go back to school to become a Family Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. Starting summer 2011!

May 2011 keep bringing us together as a family, good times with friends, happy family memories and love, love, love.

Peace out.

Impermanence

2010-12-30T16:07:00.005-06:00

Shawn's Christmas gifts to his family this year included making DVDs of old family movies for them to keep. I've spent many months listening to his Mom scream "GO SHAWN!" and "WAY TO GO SHAWN!" as she cheered him on at various running and biking events. So much so that I find myself shouting out these very same words for no apparent reason at random in our house. It's been intriguing seeing moments from his childhood and what's been captured on screen. It's made me really wonder about what our little ones will remember through watching their videos of growing up.

Since we've also been switching our old-school camcorder tapes to DVD as well, I've gotten a glimpse of what they might see. It's been a while since I've watched our home movies---it's usually an event reserved for celebrating the little people's birthdays to watch their birth--but beyond that I don't really take them out too often.

I was struck at my reaction to seeing a tape of Aidan at 4 and Nevie at 1. Aidan was doing his own TV show ("Cat Books"), making up stories to picture books in his own words. I had this profound feeling of loss while watching it and went into a sort of grieving mode. The realization that I will never know this version of my son again, never have another conversation with 4-year-old-Aidan. Yes, I know, there are parts of this person inside present-day-Aidan and it is what has made him who he is today. I realize we are all changing, all the time, and I'm down with the whole Buddhist principle of impermanence. But still, I sat, watching his cute leg crossed over the other and his dancing eyes go from his book to the camera, and ached with a feeling that could only be described as grief. So overtook by this, I did the exact opposite of what I should have done, which is scoop up 8-year-old Aidan and 5-year-old Nevie and squeeze them. I shushed them, ignored them until they were unruly beasts, then unleashed disciplinarian yelling on them.

Feeling horrible about this, I thought about 2006-Danielle the next day and encouraged the kids to make their own TV show, anything they'd like, and I'll be the camera woman. Aidan decided to do another rendition of "Cat Books" except this time he actually read the books. He made a few lego commercials and provided a musical interlude between his and Nevie's show. Liam was the star of a train commercial and an "amazing finger that shushes and picks noses" advertisement. Nevie made her own book and silently shared with the camera, refusing to explain what it was about. Liam was de-pants by himself in the background during a show. Riff decided he wanted to make out with cats during Cat Books.

Did this make the aching go away for their little selves, with voices slightly higher and slightly squeakier, and wrists a tad bit pudgier, faces a bit rounder? Not really. But I'm trying to let it go, and practice the art of continually letting them go a bit further as they become the people they will change into.

PS I really tried to post a video section here of above named "Cat Books" but can't figure it out. Any tips on posting small sections of home video on blogger?

PSS I am blessed to have these little people in my life at every age. My heart goes out to Mothers who watch their home movies and grieve for children that they won't see as their future selves.

Good ol Family Holiday

2010-12-28T19:12:00.005-06:00

Favorite "at home" memories this year:

Cousins (minus 8).

One BIG family (missing a mere 14).

Mannheim Steamroller.

Pajama rama.

Kid's table curiosity.

Cupcake sprinkle toss.

Cupcake craziness.

A glimpse of our retirement.

Crafties in matching pjs.

Christmas Eve with the wise men.

Boy hiding in dark wherever he can find it.

Boy of the presents.

Dishes IN Grandma's kitchen.

Giggling sparkle dances.

Boy riding a horse from my childhood.

Warm Fuzzies in the North

2010-12-23T15:51:00.008-06:00

We travel "back home" to the Grandparents every year and love that extended family time, but you know how it is: packing up five people, preparing a dogsitter (and all their geriatric medicines), being in everyone else's space...it can make me long for simplicity of home. Every year I wish for warm fuzzy holiday memories in our own home, in our own neck of the woods and by golly this year we did it.

Our celebration began on Winter Solstice with a Snow Day. 10 inches fell to our delight and we spent the morning playing in it. Liam even managed to take a few steps in the snow without toppling over, but most of the time he stayed in one spot until moved. Bill and Riff are always so happy to have company outside and today was no exception. Bill even caught a few snowflakes with his tongue to impress the ladies.

After playing in the snow we decided it was time to splash! We spent the night at the waterpark. Aidan was proud to go on the lazy river and BOTH waterslides by himself. Nevie went in the dark waterslide with me screaming all the way down. She kept saying in monotone: Mom, it's okay.They made me take off my glasses at the top of the slide, so I was blind when we came out of the tunnel. It's such a weird feeling to be blind and out & about by people. I found myself being a smiling fool because I couldn't tell if anyone was looking at me and just covered my bases. We did a few laps around the lazy river until I finally spotted Shawn's florescent swimtrunks and took a gamble by looking in his general direction and shouting that I desperately needed my glasses to maneuver myself out of the lazy river. Yes. I am that blind.

Liam wasn't a huge fan of the waterpark and I don't blame him. I wish they would make the baby part more baby friendly and NOT have 70 gallons of water come blasting down every few minutes and scare the crap out of him. We instead spent time in the hot tub staring.

We attempted to go see the lights of Bentlyville (huge xmas light wonderland), but the shuttle was full. We let the baby loose in the hallways instead. He would run as fast as his little legs would run and mumbled wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh with each step. He found the one door with a Pomeranian yipping behind it and would act like he just saw the devil each time we ran past the door, which was at least 50 times. And every time it was just as terrifying.

We spent a few hours staring at darkness waiting for little eyes to shut. Usually I would be a bit annoyed at this, but determined to make warm fuzzies, I told Nevie stories about when she was a baby until she finally fell asleep and told Aidan how wonderful it is to be his Mom until he stared himself to sleep. Then Shawn fell asleep curled in the fetal position on the floor waiting for his beloved poker show to come on. He never made it, but I did--at 3AM I threw empty cups at him so I wouldn't wake up the baby to tell him to come to bed, but ended up waking up the baby by laughing. Doesn't get any fuzzier than that.

We had a bit of family madness the next day getting last minute presents. For instance: I forgot the dogs! Christmas is Bill the lab's favorite holiday and his old man arthritic bones actually bounce up and down while he attacks his present: always a squeaker toy. So, with my patient little babes cheering me on, I head out AGAIN right when we sit down for presents.

This year was a memorable present year. It's not that we got a ton, but every present seemed to be presents that don't get tossed aside. The kids got cool activities, crafts, erector sets and such. Liam got a cool booster seat and rocking horse. Shawn got a gold star for his gift this year: he printed up a book of all our family blog posts since 2007. And I just got him a griddle. And a colander. I'm not making this up I am that much of a loser wife.

I loved that we set up the video camera in an inconspicuous spot and just taped non-stop. Everyone forgot about the camera and we captured our true essence as a family. The best was Bill in the middle of the screen, smiling away and licking a child here and there.

We spent the evening with an early start to Bentlyville. The sun hadn't quite set and the sky above my blue eyed babies was a beautiful purple until it finally settled. Then BAM, the lights came on. I'm always a teared-up mess at Bentlyville every year. It's like you can just feel the collective love in the air. Or maybe it's that everything is free. But seriously, everyone there is so friendly and they make it so special for the kids. We had fun looking at all the lights, making s'mores, talking with Mrs. Claus while we sat in her kitchen (is that seriously how you spell Claus?) because Santa is too scary. Turns out she's a nice ol' gal and even got a hug out of Nevie. Call me crazy, but I won't force my children to sit on an old guy's lap that they don't know. I spent some moments trying to remain Zen while Shawn coached the kids to go as fast as they could...I think a Bentlyville marathon would be more his style. Apparently his early years spent wearing pinned frosted jeans and penny loafers with no socks did nothing to toughen him up and bare the winter cold.

We got a butt load of Vietnamese food for dinner and scarfed it down like wild wolves, grunting for more as the baby stands on the table and sprinkles rice in our milk for a blessed year ahead.

The evening held much entertainment as Shawn attempts to put together the rocking horse without directions. Good thing Aidan knows how to read. This project turned out to be a highlight for little Liam, who just couldn't wait for it to be down and started "riding" the horse midstream, complete with lunatic whinny-ing. Until he got impaled by a screw and needed cuddling and milk.

Shawn and I finally sat down with a bottle of wine which I consumed by myself and made him watch home movies as I cried about how beautiful our family was. And he was. And the last three years of our lives were (because we've been obsessively reading the blog book).

And it really is. Beautiful I mean. Beautiful mixed in with a bit of crazy, a bit of freak-outs, some minor irritation (that usually turns into laughter) and a whole lot of love.

Cuteness in List Form

2010-11-29T19:27:00.002-06:00

Aidan's Christmas List:

Baseball Card Set

Football Card Set

Lego Atlas

Green Reading Lamp for nighttime

Inch Worm Robot

Notebook

Pencils

Goldfish & Goldfish Food

Erector Set

Pyramid

Baby Alive

Cat Color & Tag

Fossil Kit

Rock Tumbler

Crayola Glow Dome

Nevie's List:

Pink Light

Colored paper for cards

Paper with the letter "N" on it

Books

Pink Tights

Pink Light for Reading

Once I find the camera flash drive I'll post a picture of the list in its cute (and a little scandalous) form. I'll give you a teaser: Pink Tights = Pig Tits in Nevie language!

Love them.

Let me count the ways instead of hide....

2010-11-21T16:50:00.005-06:00

Let's just say it's been quite the day: very needy, sickly children=endless whining streams, snot, coughs, cuddling, tears mixed in with rambunctious non-sickly children bouncing off the walls. I need a time out. So amidst this mess and annoying football game in the background of this insanity, I will count the ways in which I adore the tiniest boy child in my life. This will surely cheer a Mama up.

-He has now taken to pointing and grabbing clothing while making the tiniest (and very soothing I might add) monkey sounds when he has something on his mind that he wants us to know. I just love that his little mind is thinking of things & that he wants to share. This usually involves one of the following: visiting the cat on the top bunk, seeing where all our elephant stuffed animals are hanging out, looking out the window, seeing what Papa's cooking on the stove, looking for a specific ball or train.

-Pig sounds that sound like he's going to throw up.

-Neck seizures to his favorite jams.

-Hippie arms outstretched to his favorite slow jams.

-When doing something that elicits reactions, he will pete and repeat, even if it means his head will meet a pole over and over. [this also drives me insane]

-One...two...threeeeee....jump! Okay so it sounds more like uuuuuuuh....oooooooo....eeeeeee....um!!!!

-He thinks his stinky toes are hilarious. Especially when they make you fall over with their stench.

-He just can't hug all the babies in his baby class enough to be satisfied and walk away. Almost to the point of awkward adult interaction.

-His favorite baby sign is for train. I could literally eat him when he does it, especially when combined with his "choo-choo lips". *see picture for visual explanation.

-Football=DADA! He is obsessed with balls. He wakes up and points downstairs and says "ball, ball, ball" over and over first thing. He thinks our dining room light is a ball cuz its round. All balls that can be thrown are called "DADA!" super loud, then hit three times before launching. Any collection of people in a wide open space on tv = balls, balls, balls.

-He LOVES tall, large, burly men. He goes directly under them, shoe to shoe, looks up and says "hi ya" every time. *see picture for visual explanation.

-He climbs everything and was recently found with a knife in one hand and a jalepeno in the other, precariously balanced on the counter top. [also drives me insane, but may be looked back upon with nostalgia, I hope.]

-He can pretend. This is a big deal and makes him a big boy. This makes me a combination of sad and proud and old.

-He really believes everything in the world was placed there for his enjoyment and to delight in his cuteness. This includes all from the stinky drunk guy at the library to the lollipop toting lunch lady to the light snow on the ground to dead mice provided by Grunty (he's probably right on that last one).

Okay, by golly it worked. I feel so much better and ready to return to being the human snot rag.

Thanks, little guy.

Let me count the ways......

2010-11-13T12:33:00.004-06:00

Tidbits of love for my boy:

-All he wanted to be for Halloween was a Ninja. This included him scrounging around the house to come up with his costume: his black cuddleduds, his baklava and some face paint. Also considered: a construction costume tool belt (from when he was two) to hold various ninja type things. These ninja things were to be knitting needles, a DVD, and a ruler. They were in the end left at home for safety reasons. A ninja has to think of the safety of others.

-He can't handle anything violent or anything that hurts feelings in movies. We just barely got through Toy Story 3 today.

-He told me yesterday that he doesn't like "anything technology that involves a screen". But he does like satellites.

-He is currently in the living room closet with the lights off and door closed, playing with a stuffed animal from when he was a baby with a flashlight. Toy Story has inspired him to stay in contact with old pals.

-He's growing his hair out and looks like Justin Beiber, whoever that is.

-He is suddenly into his Dad's baseball cards. The interest doesn't have much to do with baseball.

-His ultimate dream day would include cuddling in my bed reading books with me.

-He has figured out that if he curls in a ball at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night, under the covers, he will go undetected and can stay there til morning.

-He got all "4s" for his report card except "Self control". This makes me proud in a weird way.

He is scrumptious and I love every morsel of him.

Pretty Good Life Stuff

2010-11-04T19:55:00.003-05:00

There are times in life when it all seems to be coming at me at once. Life is bountiful and bursting out every seam in big, colorful explosions of goodness. How did I create this life where love & work are one? How could I have possibly had a hand in creating these little human beings that are little tornadoes of joy swirling around my life? I've come to recognize that it goes way far beyond me.

A collection of pretty good life stuff:

-Working w/Nurse Family Partnership leaders (including Dr. Olds himself) to create the first tribal specific program in the nation.

-Hearing Nevie sound out words and count to 100.

-Planning and conducting an all day training in Reflective Practice to a group of Public Health leaders I've looked up to for 10 years.

-Seeing Aidan curled up with a book, night after night.

-Facilitating Reflective Practice supervisory groups for above named leaders.

-Hearing animal sounds from the mouth of Liam.

-Watching a young mother become a fierce protector of her child and leave an abusive partner.

-Planning a few home upgrades to make homelife more enjoyable, but still live simply.

-Witnessing the amazing power of birth.

-Listening with my entire body.

-Filling out applications for a new endeavor that will expand my work life further still.

Life Is Good

Do Not Fade to Black

2010-10-12T19:41:00.004-05:00

Here's a quick post on my dream last night. I'm in need of a wake up call. Heard this one loud and clear and woke up mid-sob. I'm typing with one hand with a passed out Liam in the other-so bear with me......

Liam is on my hip, his head slung to one side taking sips of milk from his favorite source: me. Aidan and Nevie are trailing not far behind. We're walking along a road at a fast pace. Aidan and Nevie were talking incessantly, bickering and pining for attention at a volume & intensity similar to a swarm of mosquitoes trapped in a hot tent while you attempt to sleep. I was batting them away, much like those mosquitoes, shushing them, telling them to be quiet, wait a minute as I trudged forward with baby on my hip, drinking up my milk. We kept on in this way for some time until the skies turned dark.

At that time we passed a very poorly kept fence. Inside this fence were lions pacing back and forth. Aidan and Nevie were still buzzing away, this time trying to tell me to "look at the lions" and "Mom, what do you think about that fence". Yet again, I shush them and tell them "it's fine" in a hasty voice, without even a glance backwards.

We go up a set of rickety steps and I tell Aidan & Nevie to wait outside while I finish up some things. I bring Liam with me because he is still drinking up his milk and happily smiling at my hip. We go in to the door and we're in my office. I start working on a powerpoint intensely. I start to feel a huge sense of accomplishment as I finish the presentation and don't realize until the sun starts poking its way up that I forgot about Aidan & Nevie waiting outside. I look down at the powerpoint and realize I've just been copying and pasting pictures of demons for hundreds of slides.

I go outside and immediately know they are gone. The biggest sense of grief and regret washes over me as I realize they've faded to black, faded away. This is what I kept saying in my head for the rest of the dream. Even as the dream went on, I knew they just simply faded and there was no repair.

I woke up with Liam drinking his milk, a big lump in my heart and some thinking to do.

School is Cool, Fool

2010-09-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

Just when it started to feel like it was really summer, September 1 snuck up on me. Suddenly we're desperately shopping for school supplies, backpacks, lunch boxes and socks. This year, most supplies took on a rosy shade of pink. That is because my baby girl started Kindergarten! Actually, to be accurate, she started being a green little sprout, poking her shiny wet leaves out of the earth and up towards the sun & sky. She is "green". This is what the little newbies in her multi-age classroom are referred to: green.

Can you hear the excitement in my voice about this new classroom? I am doing a little cheer in my chair as

I write. Remember this post? Well, not long ago I opted out of being a "founding member" of the Waldorf School locally--as residents out of state, we wouldn't be able to attend unless we move--and my plate is full and needs scraping where I can. But not more than a day after taking my energy out of it I got a phone call with this new option right in our backyard.

After researching about it, talking with the classroom teacher and reading a training manual we were sold and ready to make the switch. Nevie is joining K, 1st and 2nd graders in a multiage

classroom this year. Her teacher radiates warmth and kindness. She has taught multiage classrooms all over the world and declares it near and dear to h

er heart. After 10 years of trying to implement it, the district finally took the plunge and it offering it at our and several other elementary schools.

What I love about it: it is an integrated curriculum using a cooperative "community" model of learning. Nevie will pick a project she would like to work on and all the "subjects" are woven in, including social-emotional and community building themes. She will get to stay with the same two teachers for three years. There isn

't any grading-instead the teacher watches her progress at her own pace, which is typically faster than a traditional classroom because there is no ceiling and teachers are able to teach to each child's level and not "the middle".

I'm sure it will have its growing pains, but I'm excited for the possibility. Nevie did so well on her first day--Shawn and I had a harder time leaving her than vice versa. What can you expect from a girl who's been telling us she'll "just walk herself to school" and we should stay home. I was surprised to be one of only a few parents for the start of the day, very different than Aidan's first day of Kindergarten (re-live that magical day here). It didn't have that same special feeling, and I missed Mrs Warner's first day ritual and felt a little sad that the moment would go by without pause to recognize it.

I walked her in, found her cubby & shoe tree and was in the middle of telling

her something about lunch when I turn around and poof! She's gone. Kind of like how I feel her babyhood went. She was standing around her teacher, watching the lucky classmate who got to hold the flag for the pledge. Nevie was very serious, but not at all nervous. That's when the tears came. To be honest I was a little worried about my lack of them prior to this moment--it seems in the busy-n

ess of life, it can be hard to take the time out to marvel at it & soak it in. I gave myself a moment in the back of the class, then in the hallway hand in hand with Shawn, then roaming the halls pretending we had people to see.

I came back at lunch to see her & observe how recess would go--I was a little nervous w/the plan for the kindergärtners to join all the other 1st and 2nd graders from other rooms on the playground. Thank goodness I did-what insanity. The little ones had no idea where to go and no one really helping them. Neve's teacher was busy collecting lunch bags and left the little ones with the dri

ll sergeant recess lady that we've complained about several times last year. I crouched down with Nevie w/Liam on my hip while recess villain shouted out rules & made scared children recite them for 15 MINUTES! Nevie had one try at the monkey bars and had to go in immediately. I was ready to lose it on this lady.

Instead I lost it via email to the principal, who cited "union rules" against firing her-even when he admits it is a big problem. I suggested a duty transfer to the boiler room.

In talking with Nevie's teacher about it, an accommodation of having the parent involvement coordinator escort the class and stay during recess was made. I still don't want my child subject to such blatant disrespect, but its something for now. I'm not backing down though-I've learned to put my apprehension & avoid

ance of conflict aside when advocating for my children.

After her day, she said it was "really fun" but couldn't give me any details--it drives me nuts! I want the play by play.

For Mr. 3rd Grader, he also doesn't usually give me the juicy stuff, but after his first day he was all hell and spitfire about his own recess boot camp and one second of free play. He talked about it all night and had plans to protest recess and go to the Principal's office with a list of demands.

Where does he get such ideas? I didn't make attempts to hide my pride for this little man who fights for his play time.

His teacher is obsessed w/football and has each student pick a team to follow for the season (and also learn about the geography, math, etc). Shawn is pumped, but I'm a little unsure about it--we'll see how it all goes. Isn't there enough pressure on boys to like/play/breathe football already?

It's now so quiet at lunch. Isn't that what I just yearned for last week? Now I'm tempted to have Shawn start taking just as I begin a sentence, to whine/scream "BRO-DAY-A!" (brother) every few minutes and shriek, to giggle and talk about farts, just to feel like home again.

Little Pink Houses

2010-08-24T18:13:00.006-05:00

Our neighborhood has generally been very quiet and friendly, in a very "your business is yours and not mine" thank-you, type of way, for the past 8 years that we have lived here. We moved "over the bridge" from Minnesota to Wisconsin back then because we were on a very small budget, being a one income family and wishing to keep it that way, and the house quality for what we could afford was a world of difference. We've had the eventual plan to move back to Minnesota, never quite 'feeling it' in Wisconsin. On the plus side we've been pleasantly surprised by the schools-which we didn't even notice was across the alley from our house when moving in-and our very awesome young neighbors with a little guy our kids adore.

But in the past year, there has been reasons to not be 'feeling it' in our neighborhood. In fact, some are downright terrifying.

Last winter, our neighbor, who happens to have a little girl the same age as Aidan and plays regularly at our house (up until the news broke), AND who also grew up in our house from birth until adulthood, learned that her son (also a resident of her current house) is a serial rapist. He sexually assaulted girls that he didn't know, mostly right in town not far from our house. He is now in prison and she is now an avoider of all interaction with all neighbors. There are no more friendly waves or eye contact, for that matter. Her little girl is no longer outside much.

Then the neighbor who demanded to know the intimate details of my sweet next door friend's religious practices, resulting in her basically telling her she and her child born out of wedlock (quote from neighbor:"I've already done the math on your anniversary") will be going to hell unless she repents. Arguing that the world's problems are the result of a god who is punishing the world for becoming accepting of homosexuality and gay marriage. All this complete with bible scriptures stuffed in her mailbox and a note to love thy neighbor as thyself.

And now, the most horrific and tragic, another neighbor's grandson, also a resident of our town, murdered his pregnant wife (due to have her baby the very next day) their 13 month old daughter and their 3 dogs before killing himself. Their little girl made her Mama's belly grow with life the very same time Liam made himself known in mine, and was born just a few days before Liam. I remember talking with our neighbor about her pregnancy and birth often, and learning that we shared the same midwife, and browsing through her birth photos on facebook. We'd check in every once in awhile and she'd give me details on what her little great grandbaby was doing now as she stuck her grandma fingers in Liam's teething mouth (a very grandma thing to do). Now they are all dead. I can't even wrap my head around it. Especially as I look at my sweet, chubby baby and remember the sweet little girl dressed up for her first Halloween at her Great Grandma's house.

I know there are bad things everywhere. There's never going to be an answer to why. It just feels a bit too close to home right now. It makes me wonder who that quiet guy who lives with his mother and knows all the dogs on the block really is. It makes me appreciate neighbors we share laughs, drinks, childcare and stories with all the more. It makes me want to try to create this with the neighbors whose conversations haven't quite made it past "hi" yet in our 8 years on the block. And, admittedly, it makes me want to move to the woods in a little log cabin next to a pond far away from people. But that is my solution to most of the world's problems.

Sometimes it's just too much to take-sitting side by side with families who are struggling through life during the work day, wanting to do good by their babies, but failing them miserably because they were failed by under their parents care. Coming home should be a sanctuary, a little oasis to the madness. Instead, today it is full of sadness and unanswered questions, wonder about who is lurking behind pulled shades and powerlessness to the bad things out there. I'll just hold my babies tight and keep on playing in the front yard, but part of me is already in the woods, my feet over the dock of the little pond, listening to the birds. Someday. Always living in the someday.

More Please

2010-07-26T18:59:00.001-05:00

You're wheeling and reeling, flipping and flopping your puppy body over my outstretched limbs. Your favorite game: flop like a fish over any body that has decided to rest upon carpet or hardwood. You grab for glasses, toy with the idea of putting them on your dancing eyes, until your chubby hands and fine motor skills fail you. No matter, you keep slamming them to your head and pulling the sides apart in attempts to make them fit amidst your wicked laughter. I take the opportunity, nil spectacles, to dive into your soft round belly and pretend to gobble you up. I really could, gobble you up, you are that scrumptious. You squeal and go into downward dog pose, twinkling your eyes through chubby thighs. You ram your mouth into the carpet a few times for good measure and you're off. Onto the next adventure: slam a stick your brother just had to keep from the woods (stick turned developmentally [in]appropriate baby toy) onto the dogs grimacing head. He's been here before. He knows to hunker down and take it.

We sing your praises all day long, even as your sweet head naps in the dog bed in the living room, made cozy with a quilt, because we can't bear to have you all the way upstairs. My heart aches with love for every morsel of your sweet baby self and aches at how quickly a tiny baby can grow into a toddler, then a boy, then a man. Could we love you any more than in this moment, on your very first birthday? I know from experience, that yes, we can. Is it selfish to wish a million more of these moments? Nope, I don't believe it is.

Happy birthday, little one. And a million more please.

Behind Curtain Number One.....

2010-07-16T20:21:00.004-05:00

We've just returned from our first family of five vacation in the Upper Peninsula. We rented a little red cabin on Lake Superior. It was love at first site. The cabin was very typical: rustic, no frills, with patched together rooms, random hooks on the walls made from driftwood, a mirror with pizza cardboard for a frame, nailed on a support beam. But it had all the basics. Outside it even boasted a screenhouse with a banged up screen, rocks of every kind surrounding the window ledges and a long table for puzzles. We found the screenhouse to be an essential ingredient to escape the black flies + a good place to de-sand all the baby's rolls. The separate sauna was a luxurious getaway for me: complete with a hot wood fired stove, set down close to the lake under a canopy of trees and convenient for mad screaming runs to the water when the heat was on. We fired it up every night.

There is so many moments that I want to linger in my memory, and call up on those days when it feels like there isn't a break in sight, and my Mama skills aren't as sharp and perhaps a little clouded by getting caught up in the not so important stuff--or, probably more likely--are getting caught up in other peoples' crisis: all too easy to do in my line of work.

I'm going to put these moments in a special spot in my mind, behind dramatic theatric curtains, all lit up and waiting to be swept open and save the day. Or at least provide some theater.

Behind curtain number one, my Bazoo. He is drinking tea with me in the sauna, his legs crossed just like his Dad (and his father before him, for that matter), talking about the book he just finished. Linger in this sophistication. [linger, linger, linger] Then the next moment, one-two-three: throw open the heavy cedar door and scream as the steam rolls off your body into the crystal clear (and 50 degree) waves. His face a Christmas morning as we hold onto a little pink inner tube for dear life and sail over 6 foot waves. A boy that was naked at the beach last summer with no hesitation now pulling at his suit, desperate to keep it up as the waves try to de-pants him.

He is in the hammock, under the red fuzzy blanket, wrapped up in it and a book. Similarly, he's the boy in the 70's armchair, one arm wrapped around his sister and the other around a book (okay so this only lasted about 2 minutes before said sister flung her back over him and flopped like a fish chanting nonsensical LOUD songs until he moved, but it was a beautiful 2 minutes).

And tap-tap-tap, I want to remember to listen to him as if he were the voice of all creation without having him needing to tap my arm like a woodpecker. Basically it sounds like a good idea AND I cannot take the tapping one. more. second.

Curtain number two is filled with the sweet nothings of Nevie. Sweet nothings because she has sweet little songs sang just for her, with words of no meaning to those of us on the outside. I want to call up her sweet little bug cup and collecting and question-asking about the bug friends, where they sleep, if they're mom/dad/baby bugs, what they'd like to snack on when I'm pondering the big questions of the world. I want my mind to linger on our walks all the way to the "butt" and her glowing in the attention from Mom all by herself. She is desperately trying to figure out Paddle-to-the-Sea, and her eyes up the last few pages when she realizes Paddle isn't real and suddenly the book makes perfect sense. She is filled with surprised joy in hearing me say, "Yes! Let's do it!" more than "Just a second, maybe later". Her little, almost big kid hands clutch a bag of sandwich crusts for 2 hours to feed a goose we named "Uncle Frank" and his duck friends as we host a neighborhood BBQ. Feel what it feels like to let all those other layers go, fade away and really be with her. Not checking any gadgets or messages or rehearsing somewhere in the basement of my thoughts something that seems so pressing but is really infinitely small in comparison to raising this girl in all consciousness.

Door numbero three holds the image of my baby. He's plowing through the sand pushing a backwards tonka truck bigger than him, and broom-brooming all the way. He's playing with rocks in the sand and looking at me with a devlish look before plopping one in his mouth. He's up on two wobbly legs, running towards the water, then doing a forward bend to lap it up like a dog. He's pointing to the sky, signing "bird". There's a little horse in his chubby hands-hands connected to a nice wrist roll with its own tan line-and he is making the craziest high pitched growly sound for his whinny and we laugh and laugh. He is having a blast, until he realizes it and runs and/or crawls super speed to check in with his Mama for a quick hug and drink, than back at it again. He is eating blueberries and nothing else. He is pooping blueberries and nothing else. He's tackling one of his family members who forgot they can't lay down on the ground without him barreling into and on top of them, rocking back and forth and yelling ah-ahh-ahhh! He's snuggled up next to me, with the waves at our window, feeling the cool breezes as we sleep wrapped up in the big copper bed, his finger occasionally hooking my mouth like I'm a big trout and his finger the lure.

Door number three holds my smiling husband, just off the Keweenaw trails, reaching his holy land through the Stairway to Heaven. He's clutching the baby down the beach as we walk in the sunset, older kids going in and out of waves with their jammies on. He's walking toward the water with Liam for an evening walk together while I read Paddle-to-the-Sea and kiss the older ones to bed. He's singing his falsetto to 80's rock and we laugh in the screen house-his voice echoing down the cove. He's opened my eyes to what's most important, and that's taking care of us and taking care of our children thru doing so.

The final door holds me, clutching a cup of tea and a book on the beach/in the sauna/hammock/bed. I'm kayaking for the first time and looking at the painted rocks on the shore, dreaming of a sometime cabin of our own. I'm rustling up a loon and her babies and nearly falling out of the kayak (or at least spilling my beer between my legs-gasp!) in doing so. I'm walking down a trail, snacking on thimbleberries with a babe tied on my back, a girl holding my hand, and a boy skipping ahead of me. I'm realizing that I can live the life I've always wanted, and the only one who would hold me back is myself.

If you sow corn, you reap corn.

If you sow beans, you reap beans.

Why do we have to go though so many

trials before we realize this?

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Nevie turns the big one

2010-07-10T07:55:00.001-05:00

Dearest Nevie,

Suddenly you are all limbs. Baby chubs have all retreated as your bones extend like a sapling, reaching out in all directions and soaking in all that's around you. Your hair, in which you had just fuzz and a baby mullet just a year ago, is in a french braid. I cried as I braided each strand, remembering your whispy mullet blowing in the breeze just a short while back. You are five. The BIG ONE. Five is such an age of transitions, and not only because you will be going to school when the leaves fall off the trees. You are figuring out who you are and who others are and questioning things around you. You've figured out not only that you can bring joy and laughter, but irritation and anger too. The latter is very powerful, you've discovered, and you practice roles daily with your brother.

I write your letter this year with a tinge of sadness, the year flying by like a breeze. My girl in the middle has grown so much while time flew by, and I'm hoping you won't remember this year as a time when you were shushed, set aside, made to wait for a more convenient time to play. If you could do anything at all, it would be to play with your Mom, anything at all. And we did, only it feels like not enough horse playing, farm, puzzles, drawing, painting and games..but then, maybe it would never feel enough for a girl who "can't wait!"--your mantra for this year.

This next year I hope you continue to find your strong voice, and not just with your brother. I wish for you the strength to speak your voice and go against the crowd if it doesn't feel right. I wish for you friends of your picking because they make you feel good. I wish for lots of cuddles and special time with your Mom & Dad, and lots of "yes" days.

I love you, my girl, my sweet baby love.

Love,

Mom

My Inner Principal

2010-07-03T20:27:00.003-05:00

It's my first day of vacation and I need some inspiration to walk away from these two weeks rejuvenated, refreshed and reloaded to mother these little ones and be a supernurse as well. I started out today in less than prime form in the mothering department and was looking to just about anything to break the funk. After deciding 9am was not the time to crack open the summer variety pack, I suddenly had a wave of inspiration.

My children's school has a motto, with a simple three word phrase: Work, Respect, Belong. After joking to my husband that I was going to create a motto for my vacation, along with a fun cheer in my kitchen in honor of my cheerleading sisters (I never succumbed to such school spirit), I realized it was a stroke of genius.

My motto, you ask? Kind, Patient, Fun. It's pretty much what I want my kids to remember when they think of dear old Mom when I'm old. This is instead of the current unwritten motto of: Hide for Cover, Holler, Threat. Yes, I need this vacation.

So today this motto kept popping up and I was able to catch myself and check in if my current behavior fit the motto. It's like having an inner principal. Eww.

When the kids were bored and hot, "Fun" created a backyard hottub on the deck. Okay, it was an ice cold kiddie pool filled with dirt and leaves. But it was fun when bubbles were added.

When Nevie wanted to try on 15 dresses at the store for herself and picked out 10 for me to try on because they were purty, "Kind" let her pick out as many as her hearts desire and made a special moment of it, full of giggles in the changing room.

When Nevie and Aidan were heard screaming at the neighbors, "Patient" stepped in and removed them from the situation, let them calm down and figured out a solution with them both in cooperation.

Day one of vacation is feeling good. Rather genius-like. Or genus-like if you ask my husband (he genus, he took the test in college-just ask him).

Yup, that's me. Kind, Patient, Fun. Give me strength to keep this up.

PS Have you caught the background of the picture? I think it should be cropped for a certain someone's profile picture, don't you?

Oh Happy Day

2010-06-07T18:33:00.004-05:00

It's June 7th. It's pretty much a holiday in our house. It's the day I became a wife, and a year later, a mother. After 9 years of wifehood, I still have a lot to learn about being a good sidekick in adventure and partner in parenthood (these phrases stolen from our stellar wedding vows). Our marriage ebbs and flows with moments of complete joyful happiness and moments of complete irritation, as most marriages do. Somehow we've found a rhythm in the chaos where we balance each other out most days. On the days of total irritation, we usually end up smirking sideways at each other until one of us breaks and realizes how ridiculous we are being. With that said, I'll admit I'm most likely the one being ridiculous and the one who's expectations from one human being are impossible to obtain. Shawn is most often the smirker (he's learned to wait it out). My goal for the next trip around the sun together is to keep flexing the love muscle and stop feeding the irritation. And by love muscle I mean choosing love above irritation and unrealistic expectations....not THE love muscle. Get your head out of the gutter.

It's hard to believe that over 8 years ago I became a mother for the very first time. I remember the excitement we felt while waiting for this little baby, the awesome partnership between Shawn, the baby and I while rocking in the hospital until he was ready to greet the world, and the feeling of the most intense love the very moment I saw his wise old baby-man face. I couldn't believe someone so perfect could come from my body. I literally spent the next week staring at him and taking in every feature; from his little bird wings to his long canoe feet. He would mew and I would coo.

Every now and again I'm left in awe again when I take time out to really see him for who he is at this very moment. It's not as easy as when I could hold his sleeping baby body and steal him away in a sunny spot for hours. But it's just as impressive and magical, to see this boy who came from my body, for who he really is

I Am

I am Creative and On the Move
I wonder if there are aliens.
I hear Liam talking-I wonder what he'll say
I see Liam walking-I wonder where we'll go
I want a Clubhouse
I am Creative and On the Move

I pretend that the apple tree is my hideout
I feel that sometimes my feelings are BIG
I touch legos
I worry about my legos being destroyed
I cry when I think of Googleface and GG
I am Creative and On the Move

I understand that there are spirits
I say there is a God and there is the Universe
I dream of being famous
I try being a good friend
I hope I have the best birthday in the world
I am Creative and On the Move

Aidan, a boy of 8 years, on his birthday

Qualities of a ten month old boy

2010-06-02T21:06:00.005-05:00

In my attempts to not only blog about the cuteness of the new baby, I've found that I haven't blogged at all about the cuteness of the new baby. So here's a recap of his fine qualities at 10 months, in photographs. I should preface this with "as seen on facebook".

Not too busy to check out the clouds

Peek-a-boo-er

Makes a great accessory to any outfit

Team Player

Empathetic

Cuddly

Smirks in the Face of Danger

Mischievous

All around good guy

He's a fun little guy & we all love having him around. Happy ten months, little guy.

Girl's Weekend.....with a tagalong boy.

2010-05-25T20:40:00.004-05:00

This past weekend my girl and I had a Girl's Weekend....with a tagalong baby boy, of course. Shawn and Aidan had a duathalon, and apparently I don't know how to spell that and am too lazy to look it up. We've been talking about it for a while, and I was feeling pretty special when she chose to stay at home rather than head to Grandma's with her big brother. Her number one priorities were: watching movies in bed, taking a nap outside, cuddling on the couch, taking a nap with kittens and making blueberry pie. The girl must be worn out. And know that these activities would be a-okay with her Mama.

We spent the first night with our lovely friend Sara at her farm. Nevie & Liam both fell asleep on the way, so they were both in zombie land for the first part of our visit. Nevie stared and made monotone grunts with the baby pigs and they did the same back. Especially a rather friendly little guy who literally goes comatose when you scratch his belly. I had to hold myself back from going in and cuddling with him.

Sara took us on a magical walk in the woods and we searched for wild flowers & had a taste of wild ginger near what we are pretty sure was a fairy hallow. Someday I hope to have the plant smarts of Sara (along with a bunch of other smarts of hers). We finished up the night with kitten cuddling and pizza eating and beer guzzling (moms only). Sara is a person who, after spending just 5 minutes with her, makes you inspire to be just a bit better of a person. Not in a 'woe is me' type of way, but in a 'I love everybody everywhere' type of way because it makes you so happy to know there are people like her in the world. She is truly one of the most genuine people I've ever met.

With baby asleep in the car seat, we arrived home LATE. But not too late to watch a movie in my bed. I think I was the first girl asleep, with Nevie soon after.

Saturday morning brought homemade cinnamon rolls and blueberry pie. My girl loves to cook in the kitchen with me, on those rare occasions that Shawn isn't around making tacos. Liam loves splashing in flour and trying to climb up my leg.

We had a lazy day of playing in the yard, finishing up our movie and attempting to get the baby to take a nap (no success). We decided it was time for more friend adventures and headed over to Nolan's. I didn't hear or see from her for hours later-the two friends play so well when there isn't a certain someone there to throw off the numbers. So, being she didn't need interference, we, the parents, consumed margaritas and talked big stuff. Like educational systems.

We were treated to a yummy supper by the Matt Dada and left, once we tore the pink crocks from a conniving Nolan (he really didn't want us to go). We once again fell asleep cuddling and watching movies.

We finished up our girls weekend by making mandalas at church, and drawing pictures and playing babies and dancing and really listening to eachother. I stress the last point because it's so easy to do the opposite these days. She brought me to tears when in the midst of a conversation about fairy gardens she hugged me and said "I really love girls weekend. We're having fun!". It feels good to be listened to, cuddled and fed well. At any age.

Tiny Moments

2010-04-24T16:17:00.008-05:00

It seems life right now is easily consumed by the busyness of being a worker, three kiddo entertainer, human vacuum cleaner/choking hazard watcher, giver of mama milk, homeowner, car messer-upper, laundry dirtier-you get the picture. What I've come to realize is that this stage is all about taking advantage of the little tiny moments, the ones that if you don't pay attention to, fly fleeting by like dandelion fuzz (we're all about those little yellow flowers these days). So in my fleeting moment while waiting for the baby to wake up, here's my attempt to make a snapshot of the little people in this moment.

Nevie

Nevie has a fun little quirk right now that makes me want to scoop her up and kiss the last bit of baby on her cheeks before it rapidly disappears. When she encounters a word or phrase that is new/silly/full of syllables/elaborately descriptive, she will turn her head away from whoever she is conversing with and "whisper" the word she is enamored with. I say "whisper" because it is like a loud, fierce wind-more like a breathy scream. She jumps when I whisper it back, like she's been caught shoplifting or something.

Another favorite thing in the language department that makes me want to throw her across the room (in which I wish to do with all things cute), is a line used to express when two things adore one another. She will often proclaim "they luuuuvs eachudders" about such things as the dog & cat affair, two bugs she has drawn, two moldy crab apples hanging together on the tree, and so on. They luuuuvs eachudders.

She loves "girl time" with me and I try my best to do Things That Girls Like To Do, and don't worry-these Things include hiking, rock collecting and such as well as fingernail painting and hairdressing. She loves to play with her big brother, even though her every Star Wars move and line is directed by him the entire time "OK Nevie now you move your arm down and stand this way and say this exactly like I tell you....." (supremely annoying to me, but I try my best not to butt in). She still has an obsession with butts and farts and sounds like an old man when she lets them loose. Hoping this passes (no pun intended). Right now she is drawing pictures for this blog post because she "doesn't know what to dooooooo".

Aidan

The boy is going through a big change lately. Seems he has figured out that his parents are --gasp--not perfect. It's a little heartbreaking for me. Suddenly he's turned from happy little puppy, following me around and panting "okay Mom, whatever you say Mom!" to questioning every request, challenging my knowledge base on any and all subjects and asserting himself all over the place. I thought I had few years! It is an everyday challenge to see beyond the surface situation-whatever it is-and look deeper to see how this "moment" we are having will set up how he sees and reacts to the world around him as a man.

He is now at the age where friends come over more and more and my reaction to some of these little guys is surprising me. Before he reached this age, I was all Zen about wanting him to have many varieties of friends--blah, blah, blah--but then little guy A. comes over, who likes to pretend he is a "lady" and his Mom comes and picks him up, sporting rotten, black Meth teeth and DOES NOT SAY A WORD the ENTIRE TIME SHE IS IN MY HOUSE, which was a looooong time, since she didn't say a word and her boy would not acknowledge her existence. It was as awkward as it sounds, with me cheerily saying "A., I think your Mom is waiting for you" then "A. you're welcome to come back some other time, but now its time to go" and gradually getting more direct until he finally looked up from the legos. Ugh.

Aidan still spends his days creating the most amazing lego creations & devouring any and all lego star wars and star wars books, with the lego star wars dictionary being at the top of his list. I sometimes wonder if this lego immersion is healthy-but he still loves playing outside, hiking, biking and so on...so we'll roll with it.

We're entering a time of busy schedules. On our plate: Monday (swimming lessons) Tuesday (Cub Scouts) Wednesday (Shawn's group ride) Thursday (school meetings) Friday (soccer practice) Saturday (Soccer Games) Sunday (piano lessons).

Liam

This boy is growing so fast! Where do I even begin to explain the magnitude of his cuteness. He is now an eating machine. Having no interest in food until 8 months, I am elated that he shovels it in now. This, along with his daily diet of leaves, pine needles and sticks, has made this boy over 20 pounds at 8 months-by far the biggest of the bunch. He is the human vacuum cleaner, putting any and all things living on our carpet in his mouth. I don't seem to remember this as much with the older two. Maybe I was just a better housekeeper.

Liam LOVEs Grunty and Grunty (the cat) LOVEs Liam. I've never seen a cat seek out a baby to be tortured by for the next several minutes. Grunts just sits and takes it, smiling his cat smiles and purring like mad. Liam has a special high pitched squeal made just for his cat friend.

He still makes the cute rolling his tongue sounds, now varying in pitch. He's added da, ma, ga, ka, ba to his repertoire of sounds. He is generally a happy guy, traveling around the house in a merry way, stopping to kneel or stand by this or that. I have a little nickname for him when he is kneeling that I think he enjoys: Neil Diamond. This is usually followed by a little Song Sung Blue on most occasions. Everybody needs one.

He is ultra freaked out by the sound of a dog barking-even when the "dog" is his Mom or a stuffed animal. I find this intriguing because this is all our dogs ever do and he has spent his entire existence listening to it. He is an interesting study.

I could go on, but I'll pretend like I can see all your eyes glazing over as I type.

Feeling pretty balanced these days-big news due to the rather trying adjustment of the new wee one. Work is going well & is offering much needed perspective on what is important in daily doses. I have projects to meet my creative side and my dreamy side. I am reading books. Books that are stories. I can now have milk in my diet and cheese with my wine without having a screaming, snotty baby. And being that soccer is being played in the house and Nevie just got whacked in the head, this means I'm signing off. I'll save an entire post for a Shawn update. He'll like that.

Note: this post was written over a course of a million tiny moments over 3 days time.

Loving and Learning

2010-03-27T17:43:00.004-05:00

It's been a long few months of loving and learning. Things I am loving:

Loving our new kids art table (sorry, no pics I can't find my battery charger!). We got a solid oak table in rough shape, refinished it and cut it to kids size. Voila! Instant place for art creations. I especially love our mini nature table in the center filled with pine cones, homemade fairies and gnomies. Soon we will have some apple blossoms to join us!

Loving our new tradition of saying a lovely blessing before eating our meals. Little babes holding hands and saying it in unison brings me such joy. Now if only Shawn would stop mumbling it under his breath.....

Loving our creations happening on the art table! I found a good site, www.artforkids.org, with tons of ideas. We've been having so much fun with pastels and watercolors. Wish I could post pics of our spring sheep pastel/watercolor art!

LOVING little man crawling! He started about a month or so ago and is so into attacking anything in his sight. He especially likes crawling over humans and canines in the house. The stairs and bookshelves have been discovered. When he gets a cool idea, he will get into crawling position, shake his head like a diva and rock back and forth to rev his engine. Yup, its as cute as it sounds.

Loving how when Liam needs a crawl-break, he'll pause and strike a Har Mar Superstar model pose and look at us over his shoulder with smiles.

Loving our baby steps towards being DEBT FREE! I'm seriously so proud of our changes. We are three debts down in just a year! It really changed so much about our how life, being mindful of what we sink our energy and money into, talking about everything and planning together. Lovely.

Loving the dreaming BIG for a Waldorf PUBLIC school for the kids. More to come on that, I hope.

Love overhearing sisters and brothers playing star wars/fairy unicorns together with minimal conflict.

Loving the spring like weather, sunshine and fast moving waterfalls open for exploring. Parenting is so much easier when we can all frolic (and believe me, we DO frolic) in the woods, listening to moving waters.

Loving the discovery of Everyday Blessings by Mila & John Kabat Zinn. Awesome book on mindful parenting and living. Its one of those to revisit when you feel like pinching your kids.

Loving that I can type this with a monkey crawling on my back, feeding said monkey puffs, spelling random words out loud to Nevie, looking at lego transports created by Aidan, making spaghetti and squash for dinner and smooching my husband now and then because he is looking especially cute today, and rocking out to my own personal Pandora awesome-ness.

Learning to let some things go, so I will be remembered for playing, dancing, creating and cuddling. Like everything laundry, cleaning and organizing.

Learning that whatever you put your energy into, you'll get more of. Amazing things are happening right now, home & work.

Learning that building up emotional bank accounts in the kids now will probably pay off in the teen years. Some seem to be entering into this phase quickly already! Pinching will probably not fill up the bank account (I don't really pinch, just in my head).

What are you loving and learning right now?

I am

2009-12-07T16:51:00.002-06:00

I Am

by Nevie

I am colors and silly

I wonder about unicorns

I hear horses neighing

I see my Mom

I want to play with my Mom

I am colors and silly

I pretend I'm a horse

I feel happy when I play with my Mom

I touch a lamp

I worry about my chaps

I cry when I get hurt falling on the sidewalk

I am colors and silly.

School Days

2009-10-29T15:19:00.003-05:00

This last week of full time maternity leave (I will have two weeks of part time work before going back at full steam) I dedicated two days to spend with each child at school. It was an eye opener!

The first day I spent with Nevie in her preschool. I've had concerns with her school click here, well, mainly her frigid and cold teachers. I have to say my limited interaction with her teachers before and after school really did reveal how checked out they are AND I'm still pretty good at reading people. I won't get too long winded, but the observation day left me really wanting so much more for my little girl. And everyone else in the class. There is obviously some little spirits in there that need some tending to, dealing with some waaaay too grown up of issues. I wanted to scoop them all up and love on them.

My intention was to sit back and observe, but of course that only lasted 5 minutes because I couldn't stand it. I decided my day would be best spent role modeling how I'd like the interactions to look. All those little cuties were begging to hold my hand, sit by me, showing me their art, etc. There wasn't anything crazy horrible, but there wasn't anything crazy good either. Just luke warm. Checked out teachers. Teachers telling little minds to stay in the lines and color pumpkins orange. You should check out Nevie's table's art from the day. I had a little influence, I think, that resulted in wild colored pumpkins sporting costumes. I told them the cool thing about art is that you can do anything you want and everyone's art is different, just like every preschooler is. We stuck it to em.

I left feeling a bit unsure at what to do. Is luke warm reason enough for strong action against convenience? I decided to chew on it a bit and resolve to pop in more often and stay connected to the teachers.

Nevie and I had lunch with Aidan afterwards in the cafeteria. Every time I enter this realm, I wonder what the hell we are thinking, letting him eat here every day. The lunch was tacos with shredded lettuce (the vegetable) and ice cream. Guess what the kids ate in their, I kid you not, 10 MINUTES of eating time? Not to mention having an adult tell the kids over and over to hurry, hurry in their loudest of voices over the roaring lunch room. Aidan spent most of his time giggling like a monkey.

One positive is that the kids are composting and recycling all food/packages after lunch. I mentioned this to Aidan and he said, "oh yeah, that was because of student council last year-I told them that we waste a lot of food and we should compost it." Sorry for the bragging, but I'm proud he thinks it's important, even if it was more of a collective idea :).

I left there feeling a bit more discouraged. No wonder why kids have a disconnection with their food, challenges listening to their bodies and putting good things in it. And having such monkey brains.

The very next day I attended a field trip in the forest with Aidan's class and was in for a HUGE surprise. I was super pumped for this and Aidan. He knows these woods like the back of his hand and was so excited to share it with his friends. Once we got off the bus it was wild abandon of everything I feel I've been trying to teach this boy. He was the loudest boy, running wild with two other boys, totally not taking in the walk and would not stay by me. I heard him and the other boys imitate a special needs boy. I saw them not include the cutest little sweet girl who wished to walk with them. Every time I tried to catch up he would take off. I've never seen such disrespect from this boy! Complete monkey brain.

Once we got to our place in the woods, I took him aside and tried to calmly talk to him about his behavior and disrespect, but I really wanted to take him over my knee and spank him for the first time in his life. He seemed to take me seriously and we had an okay time the rest of the day. I gave him reminders by saying "tame your monkey" and dramatically petting his head.

His teacher is awesome. So are the other 2nd grade teachers. They have a very kind and respectful way of talking with the kids and many open-ended questions to the students and really elicited their imaginations and critical thinking. I was so impressed. We did a scavenger hunt, we picked our favorite tree and spent a half hour drawing it, doing bark rubbings and taking note of what is around the tree and did a quiet walk talking about living and nonliving things in the forest and how they help each other. Right up my alley.

We had a looooong talk when we got home, especially about treating all people with respect. We talked about what it would be like to have a brain that doesn't work as easily as our own and how hard that would be. We talked about how Matthew's day might look and how he might feel at the end of the day. We talked about how it feels to be not included. And lots and lots of respect talk. I think he heard me. I took a bath and had a little cry out for my little boy who has always been so kind and would stand up for disadvantaged people.

How is his environment contributing to this? How am I contributing? That's the question I've been pondering.

As I'm pondering this I pick up the mail (continued highlight of my day), and browse the Unitarian calendar for November. I rarely ever read the entire newsletter, but I did today. I find this write up for a parenting class from a Waldorf-trained teacher at our church. There is a community of parents forming a new school based on their dreams for their children. Here are their dreams, as written in the newsletter:

A school which embraces shared values, choices, the protection of childhood, play, and the family, recognizing the beauty of simplicity, revering Spirit, supporting age-appropriate learning/tasks, trusting inner guidance, enthusiasm, imagination, natural rhythms, healthy constructive vibrations, respecting outdoor play, intergenerational relationships, wholeness, honoring one's own voice, teachers and parents who share goals, a nurturing connection to the earth, biodynamic gardening and a groundedness in Being.

Isn't it awesome how things happen in groupings like this, in such a profound way so that we really listen? Needless to say I will be attending this group with such an open heart and hope for something better for my little ones. Yes, it's convenient to not do a thing, resign to go through the motions and not listen to that little voice that is getting stronger. But aren't they worth all the effort in the world? For now, I'm all ears.

Hot Mama

2009-10-25T08:51:00.006-05:00

Today at supper I was remarking how lucky I am to have not one, but two sons. Aidan looks at me very seriously and says, "Wow, you must be really hot." Get it? "You know, because you have two suns shining down on you?!?!"

My son is a genious. It resulted in high fives all around and a bunch of wahooing at the kitchen table. Okay, so maybe it was just me.

Me Hearts Me

2009-10-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

We took a great fall hike on our first sunny fall day in a looooong time today. Little Liam slept for the first two miles, all snug in the wrap. We took a little break my a very fast and furious waterfall as Aidan and Nevie raced tree branches down the river. For the next two miles Liam was wide awake, facing out in the wrap, kicking and waving his arms like a mad man. When we got to a quiet spot on the trail, Nevie grabbed my hand and said quietly, "Mom?" -pause-pause-pause-"I really love myself."

Something about this simple statement made an awesome feeling wash all over me. Suddenly it was like a fog cleared in my head and I was able to see. I looked around and realized I love my life, our life, in the here and now. I looked down at Nevie and said, "me too." And she ran off ahead, wiggling her little butt down the trail to make both her brothers laugh.

Still here.

2009-10-22T09:25:00.010-05:00

Just in case you're wondering...we're still here, being dorks. Drawing cool pictures.

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Working on our pipes.

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Having exclusive articles written about our bike racing shenanigans.

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Gathering art from the forest and making hippie mobiles for the baby because they're waaaay cooler than store bought. And free.

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Making beautiful music with cats.

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Quietly consenting to rides in boxes and then obsessively turning them into robots.

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Turning our first smiles into works of art to contemplate.

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Getting our game face and baby gear on for full time daddyhood.

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Nurturing a budding romance.

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And trying to get out of the house every day for our sanity. Well, mine mostly.

Enjoying these last days of staring at each other and living like we're 70. Soon, when the mail comes won't be such a big deal, I won't torture myself by watching the 700 Club and bitching about it all day, and someone else will have to call the police about the cars driving too fast by the school. Hope they can handle it.

Two Eagles Days

2009-09-20T20:54:00.008-05:00

Every time we cross the bridge over the river near our home, we look to our right and call out one of three things. It's either a one eagle, two eagle, or no eagle day. Cheeseball, I know.

These two brother eagles-I assume they're brothers hanging out, drinking beer and casting a line-live along the river's edge and on really good days -two eagle days- they are both sitting on the electrical line post next to the bridge.

When I was pregnant with Liam, I was convinced he'd only come on a two eagle day, and got super pumped when I saw them both. I have no idea whether it was a two eagle day or not, but I do know this last weekend was literally and figuratively full of two eagle days.

After a night out celebrating birth with my favorite mamas (a large group of families shared birth stories/pictures/belly casts/etc and had a viewing of birth videos), I realized just how isolated I've been the past few months. Granted, some of that is healthy isolation due to loving up the babe, but some was the unhealthy depressing 'woe is me' kind. All the good energy of that night fired me up for the next day to enter the world again, and its stayed with me all weekend.

I started the next day strapping Liam to my back with the wrap and cleaning the house from top to bottom, picking up Neve from preschool and baking brownies with her. It was so liberating to realize that I can get off my ass and do something AND hold baby boy. You think I'd know that, since I'm sort of a veteran at this, but I forgot somehow in my postpartum fog. After making brownies we pretended Bill (the lab) and Riff (the collie), were our horses in our backyard farm, with the deck being the stable. She (and I) was in heaven.

When Aidan got home from school, I pumped some milk and left it with Shawn and we went on a hike together. My goodness have I missed this! We talked about so many things, walked in silence, and rock hopped along the river. He started out a bit nervous by the rocky cliffs, but towards the end he was making me nervous climbing the rocks!

We came home and had a fire in the backyard with the whole family. Aidan and Neve spent some time playing in the sandbox in the dark. Liam and I spent hours outside with the fire after Shawn put the kids to bed. I couldn't stop thinking about how lovely this little family we're making is.

The next day the kids spent a lovely afternoon with their Auntie and Liam and I had a hot and sweaty hike in the woods, little man talking to the trees until succumbing to the heat and sleeping.

We followed our hike by sticking our toes in Lake Superior by the much cooler shore. It was fun to have him all to myself and shower him with kisses every two seconds.

Liam had a great weekend and is so enthralled by his surroundings now. He loves people watching and getting out of the house now. It is adorable to see his perfectly round head be perfectly steady-with a few wobbles here and there- looking around as his little arms and legs go wild. His little mouth shaped in a little "o" talking to the trees. Isn't too early for that? All the sudden time is flying. I guess that's what it does when you don't spend hours trying to make the crying stop and instead spend hours in awe at his cuteness.

It's two eagle days from here on out. I'll even take one eagle if needed.

Bark, Bark, Bark

2009-09-15T21:46:00.001-05:00

Aidan watched me hang up the phone quicky soon after I answered it today and exclaimed, "Oh Mom, was that ANOTHER telebarker?"

I had him repete it a few more times, trying to figure out what he was saying.

"You know, a telebarker! Those people that call and try to sell you things all the time!"

Ahh, telemarketer. I like his version much better.

And the Beat Goes On.......

2009-09-05T12:17:00.005-05:00

It feels as though life is a crazy mix of day in and day out baby care-including constant attention placed on avoiding fussiness and/or insane crying and getting the boy to nap and/or sleep while I wait in anticipation for my arms to all the sudden quit working. With a touch of normalcy here and there. It has been such a new adventure for us. I hate to make such a morbid analogy, but it has the same feeling as when someone dies and you are surprised that the world keeps on spinning and people go on living--days come and go with you rolling through the same endless waves.

The really great news is that we found what is making our poor boy so unhappy. It's the usual suspects: dairy and soy. Odd how such an ordinary food reaction can rock your world! I am not too unhappy about it from my end, and would take sustaining from my favorite foods than the contrary of not knowing what's been hurting him. The past few days (do me a favor and knock on some wood for me while you read this) he has been such a happy boy and extremely interactive. I could just cry with both happiness and sadness to see him so joyful--his tummy must really have hurt him. We are now making up for lost time and have the family fun show for our audience of one whenever he is awake and kicking. And smiling! We get true smiles when we really amp things up in our theatrics.

I'm looking forward to enjoying the little man for who he is and lowering the anxiety level over here. It's such a helpless feeling bot being able to help him when he's hurting-I've always been able to calm my babies down without much effort [insert boob and voila!]. Poor Shawn gets the brunt of my frustrations while I keep the calm demeanor for the sake of the big and little kids. Sorry sidekick! I'm glad you know where I'm coming from and why I turn to lunacy with you. You're my safe one :).

So, on to the touches of normalcy! Aidan & Nevie had their first week of school! Aidan is pumped to have his good friend Casey in his class--his recently rediscovered best friend--Casey also loves legos (a new revelation). Aidan thinks his 2nd grade teacher is awesome! and so cool! and I'm so glad he views his quite matronly teacher in this light. His favorite time in school is dear time, which stands for drop everything and read. He can pick out anything he'd like to read...so of course it is Star Wars, his new obsession. I've decided to roll with it and stress the imaginative part and nurture it.

My little Nevie is in preschool! She has been so excited for it for months and the day finally arrived. I was pretty happy I got to follow through with the promise to decorate a backpack together in a rare moment of one on one time. She bounced all the way to school.

I am hoping her teachers improve a bit as the year goes on--they seem very disconnected from the children and not very nurturing. In my opinion this is the very essence of what a preschool teacher should be and exactly what they need! I witnessed her teacher very roughly sit a little boy down while I was waiting to pick her up and he burst into silent tears and she just walked away, busily shoving papers in the children's backpacks while they sat straight backed in their chairs not moving a muscle. It looked so unnatural-probably because it is! I needed to physically restrain myself from going in there. I'm probably making it sound worse than it was-I just want her to have a loving teacher who pours attention on the kids and makes them feel special and loved--is that too much to ask? If you don't adore preschoolers, why make this your daily occupation?!?!?

We also found an orphaned squirrel last week on a walk with the kiddos. He was sitting by a tree, looking hopefully at us. We stopped and said hello and started to walk on. His cute little baby squirrel self started following us down the sidewalk! Words can't express the cuteness of his little body bounding after us and the gigantic sidewalk. We stopped and waited, and he started going towards a huge black lab that was quietly waiting to pounce. I whipped Liam out of his blanket, told Aidan to mind the stroller and took off running to save him. He climbed right into the blanket and curled into a little ball, mewing all the while.

We ran into Shawn riding bike a few blocks down and he just rolled his eyes, knowing we had a crazy night ahead of us on top of the usual insanity. We took him to our neighbor Doris, who has raised all kinds of wild animals, and she scooped him right up and he started to nurse on her old lady neck skin (god love her!). She agreed to take him in and I left to go get a dropper for her. She mentioned she wanted to try to give him some milk....

Aidan came with me and we looked up baby squirrel info--and found cow milk to be squirrel poison. Aidan took off like a bat out of hell and banged on Doris's windows and doors, screaming like Paul Revere and put an end to the squirrel demise :). Shawn found a cat carrier and lo and behold, we have a baby squirrel. After much screaming and crying, Shawn agrees not to let him go where we found him. In the meantime, baby Liam starts his nightly scream fest and Shawn wrestles the very resistant kids into bed. Did I mention it was the first school night? I bounce Liam and google a wildlife rehaber, call them amidst screaming and make arrangements (while I'm sure I made absolutely no sense trying to tell the story of how we got him) to get the baby squirrel over to their house. I tell the kids and we have a tearful farewell.

The rehaber tells us he is 5 weeks old, probably just opened his baby eyes and has over 5 weeks of nursing from his mama left. They loved him up like their own.

Phew! I knew this was a rare moment to write this all down, so the result is an insanely long post!

Someone switched the settings...

2009-08-13T16:07:00.007-05:00

Who changed the baby's setting from easy to challenging?!?! I'm not ready to move to the next level already!!

Sometime the past week the little man has learned that he can indeed cry. And pretty much any situation where he is not in his Mama's arms and/or eating at the breasteraunt he moves quickly to freak out mode.

If he is in my arms, he is easy as pie. When he needs something, he breaks out in a series of grunts. I have never seen a baby with such magnificent grunting ability-and I've seen a lot of babies. At night, he never truly wakes up-he just opens his bird mouth and makes woodpecker sounds until he magically gets his milk. This is great. I just wish I wasn't the lone soul that gets to experience his magnificence 24 hours a day. My arms hurt.

In all seriousness, I've been a bit dumbfounded by how trying I am finding the neediness this time around. With Aidan I literally held him 24 hours a day and loved every minute (from what I can remember-but you know how that goes). Nevie demanded to be attached at all times the first 6 months, but she had medical issues so I felt like that was the least I could do, feeling helpless with the other stuff I couldn't control. Poor little Liam gets a Mama who wishes on the stars that he sleep on his own for naps so I can feel sane and do things like go pee by myself and put on makeup for no one to see and sweat off later.

It doesn't help that it is a gazzilion degrees in this house. And that it smells like it's been left in the washing machine for a week (husband decides to clean the carpets and couch on a 90 degree day & we have no air conditioning). I'm sure that is what this is all about, as this girl cannot stand anything over 75 degrees. Add a steaming baby and I'm toast. Well, make that a soggy piece of sweaty bread.

[On a side note, Nevie was "kneading" my tummy and told me: Mom, your tummy feels like a nice soft dough. Can we make some cookies today?

Nice.]

I keep trying to support myself with some good ol' positive energy and self talk, just like I do my Mama's I work with--this is temporary--soon we'll have smiles and giggles--we're building a wonderful attachment relationship that will last a lifetime--make time for your self every day--blah, blah, blah. That's just what it feels like right now-blah.

We will go on a nice family/friend weekend soon--with air conditioning! and a lake! people to talk to besides my husband (we've talked about everything we can)! outside of these four walls! I am sure I will be much more chipper and fun to be around then. Stay tuned!

And a message to future Liam: you were the cutest little baby and very fun to be around. I loved feeding you and being your Mama when you were a tiny baby. I just need to get out of this house :).

Your First Week on Earth

2009-08-03T19:14:00.003-05:00

Little baby Liam-welcome! Your first week on Earth has been wonderfully delicious. Our days have been filled with staring at each other both day and night. I can't seem to get enough of looking at you.

You are a very content little man. You are happy as long as you have arms wrapped around you and Mama's milk when your grunts indicate you're ready for it. You will even be content if put down for your naps, although I seem to find every excuse to pick your sweet baby self up and kiss you. You seem to like the sound of your voice-if you are getting ready to wake up or are awake, it's grunts all around. When you need a change of pace, your grunts start to sound like a little woodpecker--then quickly progress to little baby bird tweets--getting louder until you get what you need, which is usually milk.

When you are awake, you amaze me even more. You look at the world through new, yet wise, little eyes, soaking it all in. You look around, then back at me, looking right into my soul, making it sing and sing.

Your brother loves to do anything he can for you. He wants to change your mustard diapers. He wants to hold you all the time. He will go anywhere in the house by himself (that's BIG) to fetch something you need. In the morning, your big brother has been up at 7am (this is a boy who usually sleeps in until I wake him up) and comes barreling in our room to be the first to snuggle with you, even though you smell like poop. He loves when you're fussy, because then he can try soothing you with his finger. I'm pretty sure he would nurse you if it was at all possible.

Your sister thinks you are hilarious and adorable. She would hold you all day if I let her. She loves it when you let out your monster toots and poop while she holds you. She also gets up, to our chagrin, extremely early to cuddle with you. Then she asks if I'll start the day off by playing dress up dolls.

Your Daddy can't get over how cute you are. He tells this to the air about 20 times a day. He changes all your diapers and has talks with you on the changing table. Well, you are on the changing table-he's standing next to you. He tells me that it is amazing that from the very first day you were here, it always felt right & easy, like you've always been here. I agree.

I love every single minute. I love just gazing at you. I love feeding you. I love seeing your cute little body cuddled up to me at night. I love seeing your little bird lips grunt around, looking for your milk in the middle of the night. I love your wide eyed wonder-world and how you make me see it for the first time all over again. I simply love you.

Welcome to the family, little man. I think you've always been here. You were just waiting for the right time to meet us.

The Birth Story of Liam

2009-07-28T10:22:00.009-05:00

I woke up on a very early Sunday morning, 6:30 AM, and had a feeling something was about to start. I had the exact scenario-Sunday morning, 6:30 AM, waking up without yet having a contraction- with my last birth. Naturally, I thought it was wishful thinking, but decided, what the hell, it couldn’t hurt to go along with it.

So I got up, hopped in the shower and got myself ready for the day. I was happy that I had a chance to feel like I looked halfway decent at the start-even though that whole notion goes out the window once you get rolling. I always envision myself as this shining birth goddess, but in reality I am a sweaty girl making whale sounds. A little ways into drying my hair I had my first contraction that felt a bit different than the practice ones I’ve had for quite some time. I smile and said bring it on to myself and the little babe waiting.

I picked out the same skirt and tank that I wore for Neve’s birth, hoping this will continue to go just like her birth did. I had a few more contractions in this time and told a very sleepy Shawn that I might be in labor. He grunted.

I went downstairs and zoned out on the computer for a while. I googled “contraction counter” and found a cool website called www.thebump.com with had a contraction calculator that you can click on for the beginning/ending of contractions and they time and space them for you. I know, it is kind of dorky. So I turned up the Pandora, checked in with Facebook and counted contractions. After an hour I figured I better call Monica, our Midwife, even though I wasn’t taking it seriously. I woke Shawn up first. Well, kind of. He ended up groggily stumbling down stairs and laying on the couch. I called Monica at 8AM and sheepishly told her that I was having regular contractions about 4-5 minutes apart, but I didn’t even need to breathe through them. I told her I wasn’t sure if she needed to come over. She said she’d be here within the hour and I should call Sara, our doula, right away. I did, and she agreed to come within the hour as well. Caralee, Monica’s assistant, was attending another birth quite a distance away and was unable to come.

I felt like the pressure was on to make this real now. I had a little inner talk with the baby and reminded babe that we were going to work together and I would try to let him/her know what I needed if s/he let me know what s/he needed. At this point I was calling baby a girl in my head. I turned up the Pandora a little bit and saw little pink jammies coming down the stairs with a big smile attached. Nevie snuggled in with her daddy on the couch a bit and I kept having contractions about 4 minutes apart. Nevie quietly played her horses at my feet as I explained that our doula friend Sara would be coming soon, because the baby might be coming. Nevie shouted out “yay! Will she bring her kittens with?”. Shawn peeled himself off the couch and started clucking around the house like a housekeeping chicken, tidying up for our company and new arrival. A few moments after that, I started to breathe heavy through the contractions, but they felt pretty mild. I think I was trying to convince myself that they were getting tougher.

At about 9AM, both Sara and Monica arrived as the Gort family was rocking out to Neil Young and laughing and smiling. My only complaint at this point was that with each contraction, as I tried to surrender to it, I would pee and pee. So I broke out the ol’ depends I was saving until afterwards. I was so happy I did, I couldn’t imagine trying to not pee and give into the contraction at the same time. A groggy Aidan, who was up until after 1AM at a Cub Scout baseball event, came down the stairs and smiled when he saw Sara, saying “the baby is coming?!”. Sara had brought two totes of little horse/dog/cat figures to play with and Nevie and Aidan went right to town playing with her just like old friends.

Monica set up her equipment as Shawn helped. I continued at my station near the computer, with easy access to the Pandora songs that were suddenly becoming annoying. I noticed I had skipped the past seven. It was time for the “meditation channel” I created with flute music and yoga music. Contractions were coming regular, but I stopped counting because everyone was here & I didn’t need to think about that anymore, I just needed to roll with it. They were still manageable with just deep breathing, but I noticed that I went a little bit deeper inside myself at this point and didn’t talk through them. Sara noticed as well, and rubbed my foot as she played “horse show” with Nevie and Aidan.

A while later, I kept looking at the birth tub. I know I wanted to labor in there, but I didn’t want to enter it too soon. I told Monica and Sara this and they smiled at each other and told me to jump in. I have a feeling they were taking this more seriously than I was, as I still had some doubt that “this was it”. So I jumped into the warm water and was instantly happy I did. I never got to labor in the tub with Nevie, only push the two pushes it took to birth her because her labor was so fast and the tub wasn’t full. This time around the tub had been filled days ago and sat eagerly awaiting our birth. I can’t explain how awesome it felt to be weightless and float both during and in between contractions. I let loose a ton and soon started to make low sounds during the contractions. Every once in a while a cool cloth would go on my back or head and water would be given to me by Sara, Shawn or Aidan. I am amazed at all the juggling Sara was able to do so effortlessly-play with the kids, doula me, doula Shawn, assist Monica-she is amazing. And to do this all in one room! The kids never once got out of control and stayed interested in the birth and played a huge role in it the entire time.

It was about now that Shawn told Aidan that he could have the very important job of videographer and armed him with our videocamera. The results are amazing/hilarious and I barely noticed he was taping (well, except for the time he insisted on using the spot light because he had “way better lighting”). We have lots of shots of the perspective of birth from a child’s eye, a dog’s eye, a fish’s eye with birth sounds in the background. I’ll treasure it as one of the best time capsules of this amazing family Shawn and I are creating.

After a while in the tub, I got curious and asked Monica to check me. I tried to check myself, but just felt a big bulging bag and I have no idea how to check a cervix. I was also still doubting that I was as close as everyone thought I was, as we were laughing and joking and having a good time in between contractions. She checked me and I was astounded to find I was 8cm. I didn’t believe it. She felt I should get out of the tub and move around a bit, maybe go on the toilet. I reluctantly agreed. The minute I got out of the tub I felt all that pressure return and had a monstrous contraction-I held onto Shawn and rocked through it. Shawn and I went into the kitchen and we laughed as we promenaded and I peed all over the floor, making a little pee trail wherever I went. Ah, the joys of homebirth. As we danced through a contraction I held onto his shirt and told him I was pissed he didn’t where his white tank top, as I wanted more sexy back pictures like Nevie’s birth. I didn’t realize Aidan was taping this and it’s one of my favorite moments. I remember looking at him and feeling so much intense love and excitement about meeting our little baby we made.

After some peeing and dancing in the kitchen, we went upstairs to the bathroom and I had some hard contractions on the toilet, trying to open up my pelvis a bit. Monica had me keep my heels on the ground and not rock through one and it was excruciating. I practically ran down the stairs afterwards to get back in the tub. It was instant relief and I melted into it. I was mainly in a squatting or hands and knees position in the tub, but did a few lying on my back. I was constantly moving and rocking my hips and had my eyes closed and was very deep inside myself at this point. I had a number of things going through my head, but mostly I was talking to the baby, visualizing baby in the perfect position with his/her head tucked and telling baby I was so excited to meet him/her. I pictured little baby feet, little baby lips rooting around and baby smell. This was all new to me..I don’t think I ever had much thought of the end product during my last births as I labored—they were more about surrendering myself. But it worked and brought me near tears thinking about greeting my baby soon. I remember looking up at Shawn through tears and telling him I couldn’t wait to meet our baby.

I had Monica check me again and I had just a lip of cervix left. She suggested I get out and dance in the kitchen again. I thought she was crazy. But I listened. I had a huge contraction right outside the tub and made a very low vocalization that probably rocked the neighborhood. Afterwards, I heard Nevie say, “why is she so loud?” and Aidan answer “we have to tell Mom she is doing a good job now-she gets louder when the baby is about ready to come out”. And he did. How could I wimp out with those words? He centered me right back and made me strong.

After swaying back and forth as I gripped the back of Shawn’s shirt (sexy back shots after all-I believe I whispered that in between contractions and shared a smile with my awesome sidekick) I had this wave of exhaustion come over me. I told Monica I just wanted to lay down. Which was weird. I never thought in a million years I’d want to lay down in labor. On a bed. But it was just what I needed. I lay on my side and Sara brought me some Emergen-C and grapes and Monica gave me a huge glop of honey, which I gobbled up. Monica checked me and found the bag of waters really low, with a cute baby head right behind. I told her to break it. Which was weird again. I am more of a “let things go as natural as they can” type of gal-let the baby be born in the caul. When she did, she was laughing at how tough it was and it took three times/layers to get through. There was a huge flowing of warm waters after that. I had one more contraction on the bed and let myself melt into it while holding my top leg up. After that I knew I needed to get to the tub.

I hopped in and had a monster contraction while squatting and holding onto Shawn’s wrists. I tried to sink into it. Monica encouraged me to try to experiment with pushing—where as before in the tub it didn’t feel right. I did, and it felt awful. But she encouraged me to try to push grunty pushes with contractions. I did for a few and finally told myself I was going to need to mean business now, as I didn’t think the urge was ever going to come. With Aidan and Nevie, it was like throwing up out of my vagina—I had no control and my body took over-great analogy, I know. This time was soooo different.

I pushed as hard as I could and all the sudden this very primal sound escaped from my body. It was low and earth shaking and guttural and sounded like a Mama Bear. A very pissed off one. My throat still hurts. The thing that shocked me the most is how it felt like the baby was coming right out of my butt. I kept thinking of my friend who had rectal prolapse and found myself holding back a bit—I finally told Monica to check it out and demanded her to “put pressure on my butt hole” (I’m sure the kids loooooved that) and she assured me I was pushing in the right spot. Still, it felt so wrong. I kept picturing all my intestines spilling into the tub. It was not a lovely image.

As baby was crowning, the lovely motherly me rang out with quite a few F-bombs. I believe they were “this f--ing sucks!” and “I forgot about this f--ing part!” and finally, a family favorite “get it f--ing out of me!”. Not sure when my lovely baby images turned insane, but it was what was needed at this point. Finally, his head came out. His brother kept saying “look at the baby’s cute face!” over and over. His sister yelled “it’s a baby!”. I half believed it. I kept waiting for the rest to slide out like all the others, but no. Monica sternly told me to push hard. I did, feeling like my butt was going to fall out. Finally, Monica found his left shoulder was a bit of whack-and helped him round it out. Then the mama bear in me got his shoulders out, thinking I was done. Nope. Then his belly got hung up and FINALLY he slipped out, amidst happy cries from Daddy, brother and sister. He floated between my knees with Monica’s help (I was on my hands and knees) and I scooped him up, flipped him over and saw that he was a little boy!

The moment I looked at him, a surge of motherlove took over and we were instantly in love. What a perfect baby boy. A few good back rubs and he took in his first breaths. Just a few seconds later, he tasted his first mama’s milk while wading in the water with me.

Shawn was in tears and couldn’t believe how cute and perfect he was. One of the first things he said was, “we should name him ‘Willis’ “. And I thought, yes! We should!, until Shawn jokingly said “what you talkin’ about Willis” as cute little baby eyes took in the world. I knew we needed to do some thinking about names at that point.

It was the perfect birth. It cemented our family love and made me so proud of this little family we’ve created out of our good ol’ love. Minus maybe the F-bombs.

Welcome Baby Liam!

2009-07-28T10:19:00.001-05:00

Liam Sidney
Born in the water, into Mama's loving arms at home.
July 26th 12:38 PM on a beautiful, sunny day.
7#8oz 19.75" long
We love you like crazy little man

Brighten Beach Belly Pics

2009-07-25T08:02:00.003-05:00

Hurry up and Wait

2009-07-24T23:24:00.003-05:00

I feel like the girl who cried wolf. All throughout the last trimester, I consistently have told numerous people, when asked when "I'm due", that July 27th is my official date, but I will go early. Usually adding a dramatic "hope I make it to 36 weeks" on top of this. Well, here we are, 39 weeks and five days! My body has been doing its work for quite some time now-the good ol' cervix has been dilated to 4 for over a month (about 6 weeks now?) and pretty much all thinned out for the past 3 weeks. Pretty amazing, and also full of trickery, if you ask me.

For the most part, I've really enjoyed these last two weeks--I've been off work (naturally worried I would pop out a baby in the stairwell at work or in sum slummy apartment building while I lugged around the baby scale for a home visit) for TWO WEEKS and doing everything this area has to offer while I love up my little ones and sidekick awaiting our new arrival. Once I got to the point of clearing my head of guilt from not being at work (pathetic, I know), it has been a really sweet time with my crew. Of course there has been a moment or two of emotional breakdowns, mostly on the day after the evenings when I get so psychologically and spiritually ready for the birth, convincing myself that indeed this was the night to meet the babe, and then waking up the next morning for another round.

It's amazing how the days just roll into each other. All with their own rhythm. I've loved not having a plan and just flowing with the rhythm of the day. We have had the greatest beach days-digging belly holes and settling in for naps on the beach, swimming in the icey water with me being the Mama dolphin with baby dolphins on her back, Neve creating a signature beach snack of cracker/cheese/raspberry/cracker sandwich and Aidan in good ol' Edmund Fitzgerald pretend land. We've picked tons of strawberries and made every strawberry recipe possible. We've been to all the local tourist spots: Great Lakes Aquarium, Children's Museum, Zoo, Lakewalk. We've hiked in the woods. We've climbed ski hills and ski stairs. We've had dance parties that last an intensive hour. We've played board games galore. The sidekick and I have deepened our connection by leaps and bounds while we do everything possible to help the baby out (I won't elaborate, but it's been lovely and hilarious and fun).

All the while, every night I go to bed and have long talks with this little one. I am getting more and more excited to meet him or her very soon, to see that little face, kiss those cute toes and smell that new baby smell. At this point I am thinking it is a sassy little girl in there. A little girl who is demanding a grand entrance as a Leo, to be the little star, and be fashionably late(r) than her big brother and sister. I can't wait to squeeze her (or him). Shawn is convinced it is a boy and has been from the start.

I know there are many lessons in this waiting period. I've been a little presumptuous in thinking I would go early and realize I don't know how this will go-no one does and no one needs to. I need to let go and allow for this to happen how it is supposed to and surrender to it. Whenever baby comes, I welcome it and will be open. It will be a beautiful birth.

Happy 4th Birthday Big Girl!

2009-07-10T11:11:00.003-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Holy moley. You are four today! My little girl is entering into a new exciting world full of new discoveries. The next year will be full of new things: new baby sister or brother; preschool; so much!

The past year has been a very busy one for our family. You have been such a bright and shiny part to each busy day. You begin each day by picking out your own outfit of such style: usually a frilly princess dress "just because", topped with my one and only pair of high heals or mismatched shoes. You have just started to allow me to put pigtails in your hair and keep them in for more than two seconds.

You LOVE to play horse: you're the baby horse and I'm the Mama horse. We crawl everywhere on our hands and knees. The baby horse sleeps a lot, getting all cozy under chairs and sneaking into small spaces.

You have a very fearless side to you. You are VERY CLOSE to riding without training wheels and love it when Dad takes you mountain biking on the trailer bike, yelling "wheeeeee! Faster" at the scary parts. You tell Dad to "Go sit over there" across the room at ECFE so you can sit by yourself and do your own thing--all the while flashing him "I love you!" smiles the whole time to let him know he's still special. You tell us that you are going to walk to school by yourself when you start preschool next year (I've got news for you..no way!). You have kicked Dad out of your speech class and told him you want to go by yourself. I'm pretty sure if you knew how, you'd take a Greyhound bus to visit Grandma all by yourself. When you visited a horse ranch, you were convinced you would climb up on the horse and take off into the sunset by yourself. And I know you, you would.

Your favorite companion throughout the day is Grunty the cat. Whenever you suddenly disapear from site, we know that you are most likely somewhere upstairs with Grunts. We will find Grunty wrapped up in your arms, doing his cat smile, as you sing him cat lullabies and wrap him in cozy blankets. Usually, he loves this.

You get wrapped up in what you are doing sometimes and have a hard time hearing my voice. I've learned that to kickstart your listening to make our activities magical and utilize your love of play. We put on our fairy capes or silly shoes and do some crazy walks. This is when I have energy.

You are a little woman with a fierce spirit and a very kind heart. It is the perfect pairing for all the good you do for the world, here and throughout your life. You will be a phenomenal big sister for the little one to look up to, while you love and nurture him or her with all your might.

Happy birthday, my little butterfly. I can't believe it's been 4 years since you were the little one rocking and rolling inside me and greeting me after your beautiful birth. I am so honored to by your Mama and recieve the loving smile that lights up your entire being every time you look at me. You fill my soul up with such sweet love, I could just burst.

I love you as big as your smiling eyes.

Delicious Last Days

2009-07-08T21:44:00.003-05:00

Here is what I want to remember about the last few days with babe tucked away inside.

Aidan asking very inquisitive questions about the workings of birth and women's bodies. I love that he asks me these questions and that I can answer them without cracking up or making him feel silly. I think he pretty much thinks women rock and I love that.

Aidan telling me that the best way to get the baby out is to "have a dance party", so naturally that's what we've been doing. He also told me, after hugging me with all his might, to have a "private dance party" after him and Nevie go to bed...totally thought Shawn was behind that one, but turns out he wasn't! How cute is that?

Nevie and her endless questions. I love that she is wearing her bracelet from the blessingway and will not take it off until baby comes.

Nevie asking "where the baby is" as she looks under my arm, my elbow, knee and so on.

I want to remember Nevie's face when we sang "In this circle", but replaced it with "In this sister" during the blessingway. She quietly held my hand and stroked my fingers as we sang.

I want to remember that I am the rock of the family, and when I let the hormones roll and take over, inevitably the husband and children follow suit! It's pretty funny when you're out of it and have some perspective...but pure insanity in the midst of it.

I want to remember moonlit walks with friends, thinking about this baby and this new family of five. Digging holes in the beach for the belly and the pure bliss of laying on my belly in the sun. Swimming in Lake Superior with a waaaaay too small bikini but not caring. Odd nesting like NEEDING new perennials for our gardens and being so contagious about it that Shawn and I spent a delicious day doing gardening together and buying up plants at our garden center. Banging my belly on unsuspecting people when I try to "sneak by" like I used to, once causing someone to spill their coffee. Banging my belly on a family bike ride to the park, and showing Aidan I can still jump curves.

The rolling and kicking and rolling around some more of this little one. How baby changes positions, even now, depending on how I sit, lay down, etc. The constant companionship throughout the day, checking out from life and checking in with baby. The conversations me and baby have about being a team in labor and helping each other through the birth so we can see each other faster.

Can't wait to meet you baby cakes. Whenever you're ready.

Ye Ol' Neglected Blog

2009-06-18T21:16:00.006-05:00

When did life become so full? As I reach the final weeks of pregnancy and wrapping up my work life to focus on my mama-life I am realizing the need to do some reflection and reorganization of my life.

I remember the simplicity of getting ready for Neve's arrival. I finished up my visiting with families, wished them well and left work with a happy heart and arms open to whatever lay ahead. Things are a bit different now. I am mourning a bit of that sweet simplicity as I'm realizing how much more I have taken on in the past 3 years.

I've come to realize I must be a person that likes to shake things up and shake it up often. I've added so much more to my plate-wonderful, delicious projects-but I am feeling overfull and in need of balance. It's been a bit hard to let things go and delegate for my absence. It is wonderful to have passion for your work...but it makes it so hard to let go of! But, I know I must and these baby days are way too short to try to mingle with anything else.

We are slowly getting ready for the wee one to come. I've got all the necessary goods. The car seats are shoved into place in both cars. The appointment is made to have it all checked out and therefore avoid a minivan (for now)--cross your fingers! I've had a little nesting obsession with buying pajamas, thinking they will be my costume for a while.

My body is getting ready a bit more than my household. I'm already dilated to 2cm and have started to thin out a bit. I really have to watch my lifting/walking/everything at this point so I can make it to 36 weeks and still birth at home. The birth tub is coming the day I turn 36 weeks and the birth team is comfortable with those dates. Personally, I'm sending my energy to July 7th for birth day. It's a full moon and just seems like a good day to have a baby.

These last weeks are bittersweet in sooo many ways. I look at my little girl-still my little baby in my mind- and my heart explodes at the thought that she will instantly seem huge and grown up the minute the babe comes, just as her brother did. I am lamenting not spending more one on one time with her, being goofy and silly, making her feel like the world shines down on her for a while.

And my skinny, suddenly lanky boy who is all legs and arms! He is getting so big that I sometimes forget he needs his mama time too. My heart aches when I think that he so much wants this time, but will not actively seek it out like his sister, like he used to just a few moments back. I need to find time to be truly present with him.

The other day I was complementing Neve on her drawings (well, more like doing an all-out song and dance about them) at the dinner table and Aidan quietly says "how come I don't get that kind of reaction for my drawings?". Just before dinner he had came up to me while I was on the computer to show me his drawing and I did a classic "hmmm, that's nice" without really looking. I of course told him they are both amazing artists. Then, I snuck upstairs and bawled my eyes out. A little wake up call to a preggo with raging hormones, but a wake up call indeed.

So, in these last weeks filled with nesting, preparing, planning, delegating and blessing ways I hope to set aside some time for reflection on where we go from here. As a family and as a mother of three! I am getting excited to meet this little one rolling around in there. What a beautiful gift to take some time out and reevaluate life.

Bazoo is SEVEN!

2009-06-07T11:37:00.002-05:00

Seven! When did your baby face get so handsomely chiseled like your dad's? Your legs sprout like skinny bean pole/frog legs, ready to leap around the yard? Your arms stretch out ridiculously long like gumby? When did you turn into a such a school boy?

You remain one of the most interesting people I've had the privilage to know. You are intensely curious about the world and everything in it. If there is something you are wondering about, you will search it out and be an expert on the subject by the end of the day. Yet, you are playful with it and make your own versions of machines and more with stuff around the house, convinced that you can do anything. You have me convinced as well.

You have found a passion in mountain biking, which makes your Dad your sidekick. You look so grown up on your bike. I love seeing your confidence build and build as you make your way through the woods.

Legos entered your life a year or so ago and haven't left your daily attention since. Lately it is PowerMiners that you enjoy, especially now that neighbor Andrew has been enlisted as your assistant. I think your homegrown creations are even more interesting.

Sometimes you need a little help to explore the areas that don't come easy for you. But, we've learned that once your confidence improves, these areas quickly come easy! Piano is one of those areas. Your piano teacher is amazed every week at how much you are learning. And we just can't seem to get enough of "Coo-Coo" and "Ompah-Pah-Pah" and "Carousel" at our house. Every spare moment (such as that quick 15 seconds before going out the door), your fingertips are tickling the ivories.

Another area is t-ball. Luckily, you've got the world's cutest coach-DAD! (I could eat him up watching him) to help you get more comfortable with the game. Every week you get better and better, every practice just a little bit more confident in yourself.

I hope you always realize what an amazing gift you are to this world. I hope you continue to stay true to your self and stand strong in what you believe. I hope you continue to be curious and explore the world with the sense that if you don't like something, you have the ability to be the change you wish to see in the world (thanks Gandhi). Don't give up if it doesn't come easy the first try. Just think of "Coo-Coo".

I love you my little boy. The little man who made me a Mama. You've taught me so much about life and what is important. Have a great year of lucky seven.

Coming Out Swinging

2009-04-26T09:37:00.005-05:00

It is becoming obvious that I am desperate for a pregnancy photographer. My 6 year son, who previously would jump at the opportunity to be photographer, suddenly runs away at the site of the camera, or takes photos while simultaneously throwing it back at me. Here's the best I could get :).

I've been feeling a bit spent lately...I'm thinking the fact that babe is coming soon & I've got a million things to plan for work-wise, money-wise and household-wise is finally coming to realization. I've been told I put too many things on my plate and never quite believe it until I have to delegate all of it to others so I can let it go. Hard to do! But it is all falling into place, just as life always does when you let it. Transition is always a time of weird energy for me. I know that after this stormy season if I put it all in place as it should be I can let go and simply enjoy my new babe & family for four months without anything else hanging over my head. That will feel so good.

This little one is so strong! I've never had a baby where I can truly make out the outline of a foot by simply looking at my belly. It is amazing. Also amazing is how this little one gets more active with some people, and calms down with others. With Aidan & I, baby is a kicking machine. With Shawn & Nevie, baby calms down. They don't even have to talk, this little one must just pick up on their energy. It blows my mind to really think about it.

We have been busy on the nicer days with bike rides, trips to the beach and hanging in the backyard. I've needed to be okay with keeping things simple. On one of my sorrier days, I was apologizing to the kids for not being as fun as I'd like to. Aidan very seriously says while in the midst of building a lego creation, "Mom, you're having a baby, you are supposed to be tired because it's hard work! You're the best Mom I know. What, do you want to be the best Mom in all the universes beyond ours or what?" I burst out crying and probably scared the crap out of him. He has a way of just saying it exactly like I need to hear it. I need to repeat what I say to the Moms I work with: I only have to be a "good enough" Mom--there are lessons for everyone in that. Hmmmmm, seems to be a theme in many parts of my life, doesn't it?

I FINALLY finished Nevie's 3 year old birthday book, now that the eve of her 4 year old birthday is around the corner! Check it out here. I love doing these books--they are the perfect reflection time on a year with these little spirits and what they bring to the world. I hope to get Aidan's done in the next month, now that I'm on a roll.

Now, on with the plans! On the agenda is a very full list-but it is all going to melt away one step at a time.

Holding Steady

2009-04-04T09:26:00.003-05:00

Holding steady over here in pregnancy land. I don't seem to be enlarging at the same rate anymore, and movement has slowed down a bit. Can you hear me sigh relief? I'm still in a bit of denial that this is happening. And soon! At least we have most baby things, except for cloth diapers, which we sold after Neve. But, I think I can accumulate them little by little here and there for when we need them. I probably wouldn't need them until 3 months thanks to big-Mama-L and her crates o'diapers (love you for that lady).

I learned out to make a way-way (Indian Swing) (not the best picture, but the only one I could find) from an elder in the Native community last week. I'm convinced I want to give it a try this time. The babe looks so secure and cozy, and at our Health Native Babies training learned it is a very safe sleep area for babies. I'm excited to use it outside in the yard between our pine trees and when we go camping. There's some modern versions like this, but seriously, why do that when all you need it a blanket, some rope and two sticks? It makes me smile just to think about that sweet baby safely swinging in the trees like hundreds of babes hundreds of years ago.

Meanwhile the other chitlens seem to be growing up at a fast pace. I helped Aidan fill out a two-page application to the student council (for First Grade!) and it was seriously more in depth than many applications I've done in my life. He was very serious about it-bursting through the door digging out the form and explaining what it is (a group for kids to lead on respecting their school and keeping it safe for learning), shouting "that is ME! that is what I'm ALL ABOUT!". I have to agree.

Nevie sways back and forth from a tiny little baby in my eyes to a teenager in two seconds flat. Her favorite game is hide and seek, and on mom's lazy days (when I don't want to get up from the couch), she will ask me to play, grab a blanket and "hide" on my lap while I count. She also "hid" in a see through laundry basket two inches in front of my face, just standing there with a serious expression staring back at me.

She is going leaps and bounds with her speech-I'm so proud of her. Her teacher has really come around and "speech class" feels more like playtime to her--the way it should be. We've been working on letters and numbers and shapes, and she has been spelling things and amazing us with questions on "how do you spell....." and then doing it! Her drawings are getting more and more complicated and hilarious and amazing. Yesterday she drew a "machine" that was so meticulous I couldn't believe it.

Shawn and I are still in budget land...just one week away from having a full emergency fund! I am a bit obsessed with it and I think I might push Shawn over the edge. Who's the accountant here?!?! I guess the control freak in me trumps the CPA in him:). I'm proud of us though, to go from absolutely no oversight to knowing where every dime goes-it's such an awesome feeling. Soon I will be giving debt pay off updates--aren't you excited?

I hope to have someone (hint, hint) take some belly pictures sometime soon. Meanwhile, here are some budding artists creations a la Neve.

One Big Mama, BIG SLEEP, One Little Budget

2009-03-18T19:09:00.004-05:00

I am forcing myself to update this blog. My brain does not want to think anymore at the end of my day! But I've also been thinking about some things I don't want to forget, so here goes the cliff notes.

Pregnancy wise, the drama continues. I am seriously one big Mama in the middle. At my 20 week exam last week, I measured at 26 weeks, about six cm above where you should be around this time. It is a FULL uterine house in there, with many little parties happening all day long. I am wondering when this little one sleeps! I feel movements down low, then in the middle, then some up high. This baby is a mover! Aidan & Nevie were never this active. I actually never fully believed people when they said a kick made them jump and/or took their breath away. Do now.

It's been fun to play little baby games. I'm quite shocked this is happening so soon (are you sick of me saying that yet?!?!). I can do a little tap-tap-tap then put my finger on my belly and get a tap-tap-tap back. I move to another area and watch my belly do the wave while baby moves over to that spot to play.

Aidan and Nevie are getting super excited. Aidan makes my heart soar with the way he organizes things in his mind. The other day he rattled off every person he knows that is having a baby or just had a baby. He's been seeking them out at school! He then explains he's been having "talks" with these people to see what it's been like, "just so I can remember again". He tries and tries to feel baby kick, and has just a few times. Out of the blue on one of the many occasions he was trying, he said "Mom, this little baby loves me so much he (yes, he thinks it's a he) doesn't want to kick me". So now he talks to the baby to tell him/her that it IS polite to kick when he/she is inside.

Nevie has daily cuddle time with my belly and won't let me touch it. She sings the baby songs and talks in a super high voice. This morning she got up and cuddled with me before work and she lifted up my shirt and said "how did you sleep baby, all curled up in there?", then explained how she slept and what she dreamed about.

Speaking of sleep, these kids are AWESOME! Both kids are now going to sleep on their own after stories and staying in their beds ALL NIGHT LONG. My body doesn't know what to do with uninterrupted sleep. We started a "responsibility chart" where daily responsibilities receive a star..this including sleep in their beds until the sun shines. It is working like a charm and we're on week two of heavenly bliss. It's one of those lessons in waiting until they're ready.

In other news, Shawn and I are in a Total Money Makeover. Nerds, I know. We are only on the first step (getting an emergency fund), but should be moving to step two (debt snowball) next month. The budgeting has definitely been the hardest part-but I can't believe how freeing it is with the simple act of telling your money where to go, rather than letting it run your life. I can't wait to watch our debt disappear-even though it will be a loooong road. We'll get there.

Crazy He-Beast Strikes Again

2009-02-21T09:07:00.003-06:00

Life is well in Crazy He-Beast Land. If you need a refresher on some He-Beast craziness, click here or here, or perhaps here. This episode will highlight continued insanity in the sleep department.

Each night I blissfully fall asleep alone in our king sized select comfort bed (thank you to Valerie, who gave it to me for FREE). The children are nestled snug in their beds after their stories, Shawn, with his He-Beast self stuffed way down deep inside, sits on the couch eating one of three things: peanuts, tacos, or super nachos as he closes his day with mindless TV.

A few hours later, crazy He-Beast Junior comes into my room with a wide still-asleep smile, body jerking as he walks like he is mechanical and face with a blank look, crawling into my bed. I'm too lazy to put him back. Next comes Nevie, who barrels in full blast without a sound, seamlessly slipping into bed and molding herself next to me. I have NO idea when Shawn comes in, but he soon announces the arrival of his dreams.

I'm awoken on night one by He-Beast sitting up in bed, arms outstretched zombie-like and, I kid you not, roaring at the top of his lungs like a bear. Nevie says "Daaaaaaad?" and goes back to sleep while I'm jiggling her with my own roars of laughter. He then lays down and calmly goes back to sleep.

Night two, same nightly operation of the progression of beings joining me. This time I wake up because I'm freezing and Nevie is on top of me trying to get warm. This is because the covers are crumpled at the bottom of the bed due to Crazy He-Beast. He is lying in the lithotomy position, his chest curled up and his face resembling this (I mean the woman, not the well-groomed man).
Need I add the sounds or let them come from your imagination? I think you get the picture.

I ask him through my hysterical laughter, "are you pushing a baby out?" and he stops his pushing and looks at me, then his legs (which by the way, are held up by his own hands) and smiles a very creepy smile. Then lays his head on the pillow and falls asleep.

Needless to say, I am awake for the rest of the night.

Tie Dye Valentine & 4 month Belly

2009-02-16T16:33:00.005-06:00

Can I really be four months in pregnito? It seems worlds longer and shorter at the same time. There has been big changes in the belly department. I've been feeling baby move since 11 weeks (I know, crazy), but now Shawn and little loves can feel from the outside if they're patient. Nevie will not let me touch my belly at night and hogs any communication with baby, "I'M cuddling with my baby!" I'm measuring a bit on the larger size as far as uteruses go. And that puppy is F U L L.

Okay, so I still have a little voice telling me there is more than one in there....in fact I thought I heard two heartbeats with the dopplar while checking in on baby inbetween visits in my own office. Future Midwife Emily (fellow PHN) took a listen too, and I might have dropped an F-bomb. But, my lovely Midwife Monica stopped by today and took a good listen and we aren't convinced. But not convinced is still holding the possibility of two! We are going to reassess in two weeks. I'm just not the type to run to an ultrasound quite yet.
Shawn is not having any sign of couvade syndrome...in fact he is getting sickeningly thinner as the snow melts. But, it didn't stop him from striking this very "macho" pose. As in "Macho-Macho Man", Village People.

We had a great Valentine's weekend, despite not having an official date. Shawn and I consider V-Day our anniversary day, since Aidan was born on our anniversary and trumped any anniversary celebration on that day thereafter. Shawn popped the question on Valentine's Day, so it was the natural choice.

On Friday, we went Rollerskating and had a blast. Nevie is a natural and refused help on most occasions...too bad she wanted to skate the wrong direction and straight into the very serious looking rollerskaters (didn't know they still existed!). Aidan resembles the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz on skates: flailing arms and legs, full speed ahead, falling to the ground and up again in one breath.

On Saturday, we opted for a crafting night. We all bought plain t-shirts, underwear and tights and tie-dyed! It wasn't quite as messy as I'd thought and turned out to be so much fun. Especially while jamming to Bob Dylan.

After that Shawn and the kids planted seeds to place in the windows while I scrubbed dye off my arms. I will be doomed to have blue arm hairs for some time.

Here's the finished product.

Love Nevie's pose: F-you, westside!

Big Man Potty

2009-01-31T08:39:00.002-06:00

A few days ago, Shawn pulled a classic move. You see, my husband has a way of losing his mind sometimes. Say, for instance, putting the milk in the cupboard, the cereal in the fridge, lunchmeat with the plates....see where I'm going with this? Sometimes I wonder if he really does know where things go in this house-but that's another rant.

The other day's mind lapse is still cracking me up. Shawn, blessed with a few minutes to himself on his throne, treks up to the bathroom to conduct his business. It is then that he absentmindedly seeks out Nevie's potty seat, places it on the toilet and sits his man-butt on it before beginning to realize what he is doing. I can't stop laughing at the thought of him looking for the seat for his own ass. He keeps life interesting.

Does your person like brownies?

2009-01-25T16:32:00.004-06:00

Three is such a fun, amazing, intense and hilarious time. Nevie is no exception. She is making leaps and bounds with her speech and seems to really be a word sponge right now.

This morning, while eating breakfast on the living room floor, I watched Shawn & Nevie play "Who's Who", a guess that person game where through a series of questions, you try to guess your opponent's person on the card they have picked, and vice verse. As you can imagine, this game is completely ridiculous with a three year old.

She cannot quite get the concept of basing her questioning on the people on the cards. The people are just heads, some with hats, earrings, and so on. The usual questions would include some or all of the following: Does your person have hair/hat/blue eyes/earrings/blonde hair/brown hair/no hair/mustache/beard?

Instead, Nevie throws in questions that make her parents pee their pants in laughter: Does your person ride ponies? Does your person eat lunch? Does your person have a dog? Does your person sleep with their Mom? Does your person like suckers?

We laugh, pee, then pick an answer out of the air. Nevie randomly selects the people she thinks may or may not enjoy these things.

In other Nevie news, check out the gangrenous toe on this girl! Okay, not actually gangrene, just a bacteria infection leading to a purple, pus-y (how do you spell this without being obsene?!), and sore. We took her in to the doctor today, and we decided to try to naturally pop it rather than them go after it with a scapel. We are doing fun foot soaks, pretending her toe is a goldfish in a fishbowl. All while secretly trying to squeeze the nasty out. Wish us luck. With all these scary MRSA infections on the rise, we are also starting her on antibiotics to cover her.

Meanwhile, I'm hoping to get some foot soaks out of the deal "in support" of my Neves.

Soon, it will have it's own moon(s)....

2009-01-10T10:48:00.007-06:00

Just like that, I have a mammoth belly. Literally-one day I could fit into my jeans, and the next I was digging for maternity pants. Unfortunately, we couldn't fit the tub 'o maternity clothes in our car on our way back home from Christmas break--so I've had to be creative in the wardrobe department. Things I've learned:

1) A tank top looks just like one of those "belly bands" if you slide it down over your hips and put the straps under your bra. Doing this allows you to wear normal pants, unbuttoned and zipped (and stretched to the max).

2) Stretchy skirts pulled over the belly or under the belly are as cozy as sweatpants on a Wal Mart shopper.

3) Sweaters that I've shoved in the back of the closet abyss because of they are horrid are now my favorite because of the cozy factor.

4) Cozy factor is pretty much all I care about.

Somewhat related to wardrobe that I've learned:

1) People can't hide shock and excitement when they learn this monstrous belly is only 11 weeks.

2)Yes, there has been people who've had ultrasounds that missed twins. And everyone has a cousin, auntie or friend who it's happened to.

3) The possibility of having twins either
a) Makes people super excited and act like you are some sort of miracle.
b) Makes people disgusted and step back like it's contagious.

In other belly news, the morning sickness is gone! No more scary bleeding keeping me from skiing/walking/yoga/anything that involves movement! My energy is up! I am no longer ignoring or rolling my eyes at my children or husband because the annoy the hell out of me! I actually adore them again! And, I am finally getting a bit excited and less scared to death at having a third!

I just hope that the reality of the baby's sex is not what Nevie keeps telling me: "I think it's a boy-girl Mom. A boy-girl. A BOY that's also a GIRL. BOY-GIRL!"

New Year=Be Here Now

2009-01-01T12:12:00.004-06:00

I rang in the New Year as a mouth-breathing, throat-lozenge-popping, ball of fire that was in bed promptly at 12:05 AM. Shawn regrettably finished off a bottle of champagne and tequila in less than an hour's time with just one other person playing. It was a good way to welcome a New Year with lot's of new exciting adventures ahead. And we couldn't have picked better friends to celebrate it with. I didn't (hardly) mind I had to do it sober because of our big news:

We're having a baby! (and we're winning the lottery today, but that's for a later post)

I'm not making any resolutions this year. My simple aspiration is to let the future come into each moment, accept it, and embrace it for what it is. I'm certain it will be wonderful. Here is some inspiration:

Sweetness

2008-12-13T09:30:00.003-06:00

Life has been busy in our neck of the woods the past month. Every day, at least one time, Aidan and Nevie say something I vow to write down. Well, I didn't write them down, but here are my bestest memories:

Nevie and I were having bedtime story time (she gets exactly three books before lights out.....I seem to remember Aidan having like 12 or more at her age!). We were reading about an Octopus with a cold, and how his friend travels the earth to find him some soup, a hat and a scarf. In the process, the Octopus recovers from his cold, but his friend is now sick. The little Octopus wraps his friend up in the hat and scarf and feeds him soup. After the book, we turn out the light and I, with my month long cold, sneeze.

Nevie wraps her little arms around me and says, "Mom, tomorrow I get Dad's hat and scarf for you and get you real cozy. Maybe you could make the soup?"

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Aidan and I were cuddling on the couch, watching the snow fly out the window. He looks at me all serious and says, "Why don't people just play games like Scrabble or Battleship instead of wars? Maybe they could learn eachother's language then."

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I ask Nevie what she would like for Christmas, just as I've done everyday for the past couple weeks. Her responses are hilarious. One topped the cake though. On this particular day, she says "You Mom! I want another you for Christmas! Maybe another you to cuddle me allllllll daaaaaaay and another you that's a little tiny doll you, and another you that's a dancing you...."
Maybe this is a sign I'm working too much?

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If you want to see instant lunacy, just mention the word "shot" within earshot of Aidan. I mistakenly said the word in conversation to Shawn while the kids played nearby. I'm an awful Public Health Nurse, as I haven't got any of us flu shots this year! Aidan instantly turns into wild animal caught in a mangling trap. There is seriously no talking sense for a looooooooong time. Our sweet docile, war-hating boy is now hitting, kicking and trying to escape the house by climbing out the windows. As the runs by and hits Shawn's leg, he screams "Oh my GOSH! That felt like a SHOT! My hand is burning like a SHOT! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Shawn and I are somewhere between shell shocked and uncontrollable laughter. I know it's not funny and there are some serious phobias happening here. But holy crapola. Shouldn't it be Nevie with this issue? She's the one who has been throught the wringer with her medical issues. But instead, she sits next to us. Laughing hysterically.

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Old Dog Take a Look at My Life.....

2008-11-22T13:57:00.004-06:00

It is becoming increasingly clear that my Bill is entering his last years.

He was a pup with the most gigantic paws. When I went to look at him at the vet clinic where my sister worked, I knew he was mine the instant I saw him. He promptly came over to me and sat on my foot, looking back with love and thankfulness. His story was a mystery, as he showed up on a farm with a group of puppies that were obviously not his siblings. Him, a beautiful yellow lab pup, and them, some odd cross between basset hound and larger dog. I might have added some drama to his story when telling it back then in my late teens, because I cannot imagine anyone thinking of the pink juice seconds before I got him like I let on.

I took him up to my little green & pink house up North, where I lived by my lonesome with a next door neighbor who liked to mend fences with random junk found on the street. With his little rump sitting on the front seat of my Geo Metro, his little body shook, as well as my own little body, for 3.5 hours while I got to our top speed of 60 MPH, the highest speed my mini car with 200,000 miles and one-less cylinder could handle.

I found our hikes through the Northern woods to be one of the only times of clear-headedness in those days. Living on my own, going to college, partying, breaking up an engagement and starting up a new found love with an old friend-all make these times seem like a tornado looking back. It sure felt tumultuous. But my boy Bill was always there with a paw, with a big dog smile and love so big it forgave me of my faults, even my fits of teenage rage when I put him in his corner for chewing up my shoes while he closed his eyes and winced.

We explored every inch of this town. We would walk for miles, well, I would walk and Bill would run ahead, looking back every once in a while and grinning at me, telling me to hurry up.

Children came and Bill became more of a fixture on our couch than a daily hiking partner. But, he would still run his laps around our now fenced in yard and declare dominance through play with his dog brother Riff. He tolerated the kids, but let them know when they were getting too close by rumbling a growl that had no strings attached.

I'm no longer living in a swirling tornado of a life. We own a home, have children old enough to take on hikes without a pack, and my 'new found love with an old friend' is now my husband of 7 years. Bill is no longer running crazy laps in the yard, and has a hard time with the climb up the stairs. He enjoys laying in the sunshine, watching the days go by in our daily rhythm.

On our hikes, we've traded places. It's no longer him ahead, looking back with smiles and encouragement. Our walks are shorter and less frequent. Our quality time is spent in silence, looking out the window and giving long scratches to hard to reach places.

It's hard to see him grow old in what seems to me such a short time. It's been a good life, a short life, and I'm beginning to see that my own is getting shorter by the second. What's the saying...something about "live now, it's later than you think"? We will have many stories to share of Bill as the years go by, lessons learned from old dogs on life and love. Next time we hike our short hike in the woods and I sing "Old dog take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you were....." in my best Neil voice, I hope I can mean it.

Little Big Girl

2008-11-13T19:53:00.002-06:00

Little big girl, devilish grin
Grabs her kitty and settles in
Her hour of restraint, practicing holds
Won’t let go for nothin’, won’t do what she’s told
Her grip suspended, the "cuddle" complete
Now time for a night walk down twilight streets

It's Back

2008-11-10T00:19:00.006-06:00

It's Back! I woke up to a lovely sugaring of snow this weekend. There is something very spiritual to me about the changing over from autumn to winter. Autumn seems to be the time of clearing out what isn't needed-letting it fall away with the leaves.

Winter brings a fresh start. As the snow blankets the outside world, it is like a clean slate for examining my life. A time for contemplating what is true and what is just extra stuff to let go.

I woke up early Saturday morning, unable to sleep. I had an hour of quiet and watched the snow fly. Aidan joined me shortly after, when I was halfway into an apple popover recipe for all our apples freezing outside. We had the best sleepy-morning talks as we baked. The breakfast set the tone for the day.

Aidan was convinced we would go skiing, but the dusting of snow wasn't keen on the idea. Instead, we set of for a hike in the woods. On our first leg of the hike, we came across a message left in the snow: Love this Universe. We left our own messages on the benches we will soon sit on for a break from skiing. Our messages were: God is Everywhere. Love the Earth and Trains. Moms are cool.

There were a few quiet moments during our hike were we stopped and tried to follow a snowflake all the way down to the ground.

After our hike, we needed a warmup at the coffee shop. We were looking for a game to play and saw Scrabble. I was a bit curious how this would go....but we had a blast! Aidan outscored me by a longshot. We were laughing so hard at his made-up words and definitions. For example: Hoffafelter: used in a sentence: "Tomorrow, I will ride my hoffafelter to school". Moments that took my breath away came often as I wrapped my head around how quickly he is growing.

Neve and I went to a preschool yoga class for the first time: soooo not what I expected. Not sure we'll go back, as it was less than relaxing. The teacher went from calm yoga principals to harshly disciplining her own kids in one less-than-Zen breath.

We topped the day off by turning all the lights, making a pretend fireplace out of candles and dancing with our glow sticks. Neve's got some amazing moves. I love seeing their little faces lit up by glow sticks, looking at me with complete joy.

Once the kids (and Shawn!) went to bed, I had some rare time alone. I discovered Pandora Radio and had a blast creating my own channel. I took my old dog Bill out for some fresh air and discovered a herd of 10 deer in our front yard. They slowly made there way to the neighbors and I set out gathering fallen apples to set out for them. Then I snuck back in an inconspicuous part of our yard and watched as bucks, does and fawn came one by one to snack on apples as I barely breathed. They still move me each and every time I see them.

Two more days off and I'll be completely rejuvenated without going too far beyond my doorstep. Life is good.

Adventures in Speech Therapy

2008-11-07T14:13:00.003-06:00

The long and short of our very new experience in Speech therapy for Nevie is finding that the title of "Therapist" does not imply one has skills in listening.

To start at the beginning, we called around ALL over town to find a person to get Nevie's speech evaluated. She has great comprehension and vocabulary....you just can't understand her if you're not her mom or dad.

We finally finagled through the confusing school system and got her evaluated. She qualified for special education services from her assessment scores, and we developed her Individualized Education Program (IEP). It was decided she would receive therapy twice weekly for at least the next year.

We were excited to start therapy sessions with her, particularly to learn what we could be doing at home to help her articulate works and share her world through language. We envisioned sessions where we would be active participants in her therapy, and gain specific strategies to use in between therapy sessions.

Our first session proved us WAAAAAY wrong. Shawn attended alone as I had a meeting I needed to be at. He was quickly scooted out of the room and told the wait in the parent lobby. He was surprised and disappointed, but being the strong avoider of conflict, he complied and promptly called me. After the session, Shawn asked how it went, and got the short reply of "good". No tips on what we could do for the next 4 days at home, what she did in therapy today, etc..

I was inititially appalled and very angry. It was so different from what I experience with a different school system I work with for families I serve. Part of the irrational part of me worried about my daughter who is only three being in a room alone for 30 minutes with a person I don't know.

The school district I work in is in a different state and has different rules, and I unfortunately had many unspoken assumptions about how this would go for Nevie.

I got on the horn with all the connections I could think of in early education and special education. Luckily, I have some very knowledgeable contacts! I had a special meeting with a speech therapist, special education teacher and spoke on the phone with a child psychologist friend. They all agreed that the feelings I was having about this were not unwarranted and her style of therapy did not coincide with the research or best practices.Yes, I probably went over the top, but I wanted to be armed with tools I could use to advocate for my child. The mother bear in me was awakened & I had some of the same strong feelings as I did when she was having kidney infections and sepsis with a 105 degree temperature and NO ONE WOULD LISTEN.

I was given some research articles and I studies them up a bit. Then I wrote a very well articulated letter, complete with evidence based research citations and suggestions how therapy sessions could be more relationship-based and age appropriate. Call it more of a mini-thesis than an email. I sent it to the therapist and the Principal.

I waited for a response, as I sent it on Monday....come Friday and Nevie's next scheduled session, still NO RESPONSE. I called some of my contacts and they were shocked. They gave me tips on how to proceed. I happened to be giving a little talk (that was ADORABLE) to Aidan's first grade about my job (complete with baby scales, Doppler, stethoscopes and booster seats!), so I decided afterwards to bring Nevie to her speech session.

Talk about AWKWARD. I walk in and the therapist is nervously looking at me. You think she would begin by saying "so, I got your email and I think we should start out by discussing your thoughts on...". Instead, she simply says "so, tell me what you mean by relationship-based services." Isn't that weird? So I reply by saying "Oh, you mean my email sent earlier this week? I didn't hear a response, so I wasn't sure you got it." I explain what I meant and how beneficial it would be for Nevie to have therapy that can be carried into the home, with us working together and learning strategies, rather than having just 2 sessions a week without parent involvement.

The therapist nods her head, then starts the session with Nevie. I found this totally odd. So I sit at the table, being the quiet observer for awhile. Then, even weirder, enters Mr. Principal. He pretends to be "just dropping by because he was in the neighborhood" (yeah, I'm sure he just "drops by" all therapy sessions in the middle of them), introduces himself and asks Nevie major age-inappropriate questions ("when is your birthday?", etc) and looms over her, while touching her shoulder and PULLING HER SWEATSHIRT HOOD OVER HER HEAD! Then leaves, never mentioning the elephant in the room (the dreaded email from an involved parent backed up with research studies).

Needless to say, Nevie was NOT into completing the session after that. She was quiet and wouldn't repeat sounds. After doing some play things for awhile, the therapist begins to wrap things up and try to scoot us out the door. I was stumped as to why the real concerns I had were blatantly avoided. Mama bear rises.

I tell her that I'm sensing she may be uncomfortable with the idea of more parent involvement for a THREE YEAR OLD and how I think we should discuss this more before the next session. I feel like I'm the therapist at this point. It actually takes a few more rounds of open ended questions on my part to get it out of her. She voices that she feels Nevie won't warm up to her if not alone with her, and that she feels that Nevie won't get what she needs if not having one-on-one therapy with her alone. I calmly state the research facts on the advances kids have in family-centered therapy and Nevie's disinterest today was due to the "looming" principal in the middle of the session. I ask if we can try a few more sessions and revisit her plan after that.

I thank her for being open to trying something new, and she snaps "it's not really that different from what I do, really, it's not like cutting edge or anything". I tell her I didn't mean to imply that she is doing poorly and that I can see she obviously wants to do the best for kids. She softens a bit, than says, "it's really fun to work with a preschooler. I haven't for a very long time. Years and years."

Really? I couldn't tell.

Wish me luck on what might be a long journey in advocacy for my little girl. We have other options for outside speech language clinics, but they cost $$$$, and the school system is paid with our tax dollars. It is supposed to accommodate every child's special needs. I'm determined to make that happen.

Forward

2008-11-05T18:46:00.003-06:00

It's a good day. Last night, with a full heart, I witnessed the first African-American become President-elect. I was moved beyond words & my heart soared with the possibility of real change. Seeing our soon to be President and his family up on that stage, with his uniting words, was truly witnessing history unfold. I kept thinking of myself as an old lady looking back on this day: will I look back and remember this day as the day the world changed? Will I be the old lady telling "back in the day" stories about racial injustices and health disparities in the richest nation in the world and have my grandchildren sit and listen with disbelieving ears? Just as my children now look at me now with wide eyes when talking about slavery and segregation?

Seeing the soon first family together, two adorable girls and an intelligent first lady, thinking of them taking up residence in the White House brought raw emotion for me. To think, not so long ago, there were laws keeping black & white from sharing a bus section together. This is a new day.

While one obstacle has been overcome, and every child can dream BIG, the job left by W. is not an easy task. It's an odd feeling to feel both hope/excitement and apprehension over the economy, the wretched war and the state of health care for ALL. It's not an easy task. But I have hope.

Now go and do great things, like I know you will.

"So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other."

This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can."

Barack Obama, President Elect
November 4th 2008

I want to have babies with Mason Jennings

2008-11-03T18:33:00.003-06:00

It's official. I want to have a million babies with Mason Jennings. With lots of practice included. I came to this conclusion after being the crazy girl yelling "Mason! I love you!!!" at the semi-sit down concert this weekend where I refused to sit because I was too busy grooving and swooning. Literally had tears, I tell you. I love this man. Sorry Shawn. You have competition dude. I suggest you start wearing country-boy shirts and singing about your soul searching.

This is the song that makes me weep. Enjoy. But remember, he's mine.

Halloween Trees

2008-11-01T11:17:00.002-05:00

Happy Halloween! Aidan & Nevie were the cutest Halloween trees this year. I had a lot of fun making it & used up a ton of glue sticks. I settled for a cowgirl this year. Nevie would go up to our neighbor's houses and stand at the door and stare. It took a few houses before she would willingly open her bag to let them drop in the candy. Nevie made her own little Orielle to put in her branches. This is her impression of a tree.Aidan had the most fun handing out candy this year. It was nice enough to sit outside on the new deck-all the neighbors were sitting out on their steps. Aidan and Nevie had fun running from house to house in the dark. Here's Aidan's glum tree impression:We carved tiny little pumpkins this year. Here is Aidan's:
Here's Nevie's happy three-eyed pumpkin:

Alternative costume idea: Little girl with her finger in the electrical socket:

Thief

2008-10-30T17:42:00.002-05:00

There's a thief in our city. Stealing our signs won't steal our votes.

El Dia de los Muertos

2008-10-26T17:40:00.004-05:00

Today the Unitarian Universalist congregation had a remembrance service in the tradition of El Dia de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead). I was very curious as to how this was going to go, as I didn't know a thing about this South American tradition and have been intrigued by some of the images associated with it.

We were encouraged to bring an image of our loved one or ancestor that has passed, or a symbol that reminded us of what our loved one held dear while here on earth.

The minister, as well as most of the congregation, were dressed in costume to set the festive tone from the beginning. A group of children and adults did a theatrical rendition of a story where a group of children and adults that have passed on watch as a family sits down to dinner-recalling the wonderful feeling of hunger and being filled up slowly by good food and laughter at the table. In the end they are dismayed how the family rushed through their meals and didn't savor each moment together at the table.

We then move into the introduction of the Day of the Dead from our Minister. She explains some of the traditions, such as setting a place setting for an ancestor that has passed, filled with their favorite foods, perhaps a trinket or two from something they were passionate about, and inviting them to join the meal as the family told stories of those who passed. She shared a story with the children, and showed them a memory box from a beloved pet (Aidan was hilarious at this point-hopping and jumping around her with joy).

The altar was set with place settings like we were going to all sit down for dinner. There were unlit candles surrounding it. We were all invited to come up to the altar, speak the name of our loved one and place our symbol of them at a place setting and light their candle. After stating their name into the microphone, the congregation would all say in unison "welcome".

One by one, each person stated the name of their loved one. Grandmothers, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands, children and unborn babies were welcomed to the table. Tears streamed throughout the room as we could collectively feel the spirits sitting down at the table, with their pictures, toys and special objects greeting them.

Grandma Arlene, our GG, was welcomed to the table, and she was with us as we went on with our day. Spending some time contemplating our mortality today was a lesson in being present and living each day how those who've passed would want us to, soaking up the goodness along the way.

We've found a new tradition for our little family. On October 31st, our table will be set with a few more places. As we go along our merry way dressed as trees this year (yes, trees!), our hearts will be filled with gratefulness that we may go on another day together, living life as those who passed wish they could have just a day longer.

My baby is GREAT

2008-10-25T10:49:00.005-05:00

Shawn and I were so pumped to go to Aidan's 1st grade conferences. He's been loving school so much this year and has really taken off with his reading and writing. I expected to hear how he was doing well and get some ideas on how to enhance his learning at home. What I didn't expect was having to literally pinch my leg as hard as I could to keep from becoming a bawling mess.

To back it up a bit, as Aidan meets his teacher in the hallway, he initiates the conversation and jumps into how we barely made it on time because we got lost in the woods, up to our knees in swampy water. She tells him her house is by the nature center (one of Aidan's favorites) and she likes to get lost in there alot. My boy is animated and skipping. He can be a little slow to warm up and shy at times, so I was delighted to see him so comfortable and sharing stories without them being pulled from him.

His teachers (he has two-they team teach) launch into what a delight he is to have in class. They start by looking at an activity they did at the start of the school year. It has questions like "the thing I like best about school is; One thing i want to get better at is; something I'm good at is; and My friends at school think I'm...". It's that last question that got me.

In my infant and early childhood mental health classes, we've learned that the foundations of a secure attachment with a caregiver gives children an idea of what to expect from the world. This idea is carried with them through life, and helps them make sense of the world as a positive place. The cool thing, is when children are in a secure relationship with their parents they begin to expect others in the world will treat them the same way, and people in the world will see them as their parents will see them. This expectation really does become their world because this is the message these kids send out and they attract positive relationships. This last part is what made me pinch my leg to keep from bawling.

Aidan's answer to "My friends at school think I'm...." was simply "Great". And with it he draws a smiling boy. I came full circle and could all the sudden see my little baby boy reaching his arms out to me, nursing with a huge smiling face, and sleeping peacefully in my arms. His teachers talk about how this simple statement is undeniably true, that he is kind to all in his class, tends to see things positively, loves learning, and is often partnered with those who are struggling to give them a boost. The thought flashed about how this could be how Aidan experiences parenting from us. A tear slid down my cheek and I saw my husband wipe one too. I started to pinch myself. I knew if I looked at my husband at this point we'd be in trouble.

We go on to talk about his writing while I pinched my leg, his stories with vivid descriptions and artwork to match. They said it is rare to really hear a child's voice so strong in journal writing and stories at this age. They laugh about the many stories of trains. They encourage us to see an example of his writing in the hallway outside his room with his classmates, stating this will illustrate where he's at compared to his classmates.

We gather our things and leave without speaking. I wish I would've snapped a picture of his story up there on the wall. The task was to draw a picture and write a story about their next birthday party. As we looked around for Aidan's name, we read his classmates cute stories, which all sounded a bit like this: My party is fun. My party has cake. I like my party. Aidan's story?

You'll have to catch the train at 6 O'clock on June 6th for my birthday party. The train will roll through farms and mountains until you reach Glacier Park Lodge. It takes a day to get there. My party is on June 7th. We'll go hiking, then take the Red Bus to a waterfall.

I love that he can share his world through writing. He makes me feel pretty "great" too.

Shave and a Haircut, Six Pence

2008-10-21T16:34:00.008-05:00

Here's a touch of what I've been up to these past few weeks:

Loving up my husband in the Porcupine Mountains:

Retreats to whip my leadership skills into shape:

My room! A fireplace, deck overlooking the lake and huge jacuzzi tub.

Small attempts to do some more yoga and meditation:

Births, Births and More Births! The Doula Program is alive and well.

Welcome sweet baby Elliot! We're so happy you're here!!!

Bringing Nevie to Speech Pathologist for first time (she's starting speech therapy soon).

Bike Races with Beer Prizes (no racing for me, just child chasing/de-crabbing...then beer drinking)

Shawn Vs. Tree

Peek a Boo!

And ridding myself of hippie hairdo. Definately NOT six pence these days.

That's it in a nutshell.